Fantasy Football: The Hype Monger

So I play fantasy football…Only 3 leagues or so (for now). But the Hype of pre-draft research consumes me. I check sites, pre-rank, re-rank, and continuously reevaluate players before training camp even starts. If I was more committed I might just wear a Mel Kiper Jr. wig as I feel a relative kinship to his pre-nfl draft routine as to my fantasy leagues.

And I know what you’re thinking. Jimi, you are such a cool, hip, good looking, entertaining, well-endowed guy! Why do you waste so much of your uber-valuable time with fantasy football?

Well friend who is over-complementary (yet very good at building my confidence) I like the competitive aspect as well as having a good reason to watch games I wouldn’t usually watch. I do have some issues with it though which can best be conveyed in a Seinfeldian "Whats the Deal with that?" rant…

Why do they call it fantasy football (ovaltine)? Where are the endorsement deals, and commercial offers? Isn’t the fantasy to PLAY pro football? Not just sit around on the couch drinking beer and checking your iphone every 6 minutes to see if Peyton Manning threw for another 6 yards to make a bonus 2 points for you to win your week? Maybe it’s just me but when I first heard about it, images were evoked of all star teams battling on the grid iron, not hours spent surfing the internet to determine what round I should draft my 4^thrunning back (although its a great way to get away from you girlfriend for some "private internet time"). ===No honey, i'm sweaty from all the mock drafts I was involved in. The lotion on my hands? Wellllll i was doing a lot of clicking so i wanted to avoid dry skin. Yeah, sometimes I click lefty too. ===

The fact of the matter is I love hype. Because it allows me to mess with people. I love when 4 people say Shonn Greene is going to shred teams then I pipe up that LT "might steal a few TD's" and suddenly no one is into him anymore. The most fun is to plant the seed of doubt in someone and see them anguish over a pick in the tenth round when they will likely drop the guy in week 3 anyway. Things like "He's falling on the depth chart." "Did you see him in preseason?" and "the coach doesnt trust him in a big spot." People yell about stats over the past 5 years, strength of schedule, and contract year players. Maybe my biggest complaint is Where has the "fantasy" aspect gone? I should want to draft because i want to see him play well for me, just not because a guy had 1,150 yards vs the next guy who had 1,147 yards. I should want to draft Peyton Manning because dammit I love to see the guy compete, rather than waiting 6 rounds to roll the dice on a guy I will never watch. I should want to draft guys on my favorite team, instead of being chastised as "homer" for picking a guy I would prefer to watch score TD's for my real team and my fantasy team. Yet I still go with the stats, trends, and hype!

Maybe its just a guy thing that has evolved into an ultra-competitive money sport rather than the traditional sense of fantasy. Just because I like the Steelers and Ben "Rape-lisberger" doesn't mean I am stupid enough to draft him early while he sits a few games. When it comes down to it, the best fantasy football players are not likely to be ex-football players with passion for the game, but rather Wall Street types with no regard for the name on the jersey, ready to buy low and sell high (If you do it the other way you could work for AIG).

Luckily, the great equalizers are the players. After all that research, talking to friends about who they do and don't like, these million dollar athletes have to show up, stay healthy, and perform (sounds like what my girlfriend asks of me on a Friday night). Coaches call the plays, not us fans, and that makes it frustrating yet gripping. Because for every guy that wants the coach to go for it on 4th and 1 on the goal line, someone else has the teams kicker hoping to snag 3.

So as the Fantasy Football season nears, do your homework, say your prayers that the Injury fairy doesn't get her wings, and draft with your heart as well as your head. Its more fun that way and no one knows how guys are going to do year to year anyway! Gather with your friends in a dingy basement, wear similar clothing, and speak in terms no one else understands like ADP and PPR. After all, Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for jocks.

Random Ramblings, Part 2

Whats up kids.  Not enough going on for a specific post, so I decided to go with some random ramblings.  NFL preview coming soon.

I could fall asleep on that.

1) This Reggie Bush shit is annoying.  There is absolutely no way the kid should have to give up his Heismann, and the Heismann committee should not be allowed to take it back.  I don't care if he took money, got his rent paid, got his bills paid, got free handjobs, whatever... he earned the Heismann on the field.  Agents didn't score his TDs for him.  Agents didn't break his big, exciting runs for him.  I understand the school giving their copy up.  They have to try to remove the stain of the events from their reputation.  Alot of sports writers and analysts are saying stripping him of his Heismann would "send a message" to other recruits in the future.  No, it won't.  If kids need money, and they're offered it, they're gonna take it.  Treating one athlete who made the mistake completely unfairly will not change that.  The idea of him having to give up his accolades that he EARNED for an immature mistake (that most of us would make, I might add) is bullshit to me.  The guy already lost Kim Kardashian's ass.  He's suffered enough.

2) This Ilya Kovalchuk situation... the NHL messed up.  Yea, so maybe the Devils were trying to skirt around the salary cap a little bit.  Isn't that what ownership is supposed to do?  Sure, the cap is there to even the field.  But realistically, no field is even.  If Kovalchuk & the Devils found a way to fulfill both of their needs without a blatant breaking of rules, what's wrong with that?  Plenty of teams have done similar things recently.  It's not like they signed him to the minimum and offered him cash under the table on the side.  That I could see shutting down.  Plus, who is the NHL to say that neither side reasonably believed it would finish out the length of the contract?  Maybe Kovalchuk wants to play until he's 44.  I'm just saying.  If what they did is completely unacceptable, make a rule against it (and i mean a real rule with solid boundaries and no grey area), and punish everyone else who's done something similar.  I applaud the Devils & Kovalchuk's people for finding a deal like this that worked for both sides.  The NHL people are just mad they found a way around things.  I hope the NHLPA decides to fight this.

3) Floyd Mayweather is officially a fucking pussy.  When this fight was initially gonna go down, I would've bet alot of money on Pretty Boy Floyd to win.  Now, if they end up fighting, you couldn't get me to bet on Mayweather no matter what the odds.  This whole fiasco just means to me that he's scared of Pacquiao and knows he'll lose.  At first, I was like, okay, you want this and you want that, Manny won't do it, so fuck him don't fight him.  But Manny's camp has now met Floyd's in the middle; in fact, they've almost come completely to Floyd's terms.  And he STILL won't agree to a fight.  He's barely even talking about it.  Now admittedly I'm not a huge boxing fan, but I'm pretty sure a win over Pacquiao would solidify Mayweather as one of the best fighters ever.  Now?  He's a mouthpiece with a real good record who backed down when it came time to define his career.  What a bitch.

Mayweather's nightmares.

4) Why doesn't T.O. have a job yet?  Seriously.  Why not.  All you Eagles fans can shut the fuck up for a second, and think realistically.  Numbers wise, the guy is one of the best ever to do it.  And he's not that old.  Is he really still that much a headcase?  It's a shame people don't forget stuff.  I think if a good team snatches him up, they can push themselves over the edge toward contention.  I just don't get why he's still jobless.  He's at least better than 50% of the WRs who have jobs in the NFL right now.  Even if he does occasionally cry.

5) These comments from Nick Saban, where he called agents "pimps", are just so fucking laughable to me.  First of all, Saban has been around football (and specifically college football) for awhile now.  I'm sure he's seen plenty of wrongdoing and turned his head to it.  Now suddenly he's on a high horse and is disgusted by these agents?  I'd be willing to bet some of them have helped him before.  And besides, the recruiting that him and his staff does... how is that any different from what the agents do?  Sure, he probably doesn't hand them cash, or cars, or jewelry, or whatever.  But he hands them a free education.  And free training to make the money to buy those things.  Saban is a hypocrite. 

6) Karl Malone has proven to me, once and for all, that he's a classless piece of shit.  As a kid, I always hated him while he was playing, but I figured it was just because I was an MJ & a Bulls fan.  Then he pulled a Lebron-and-Bosh before Lebron-and-Bosh and joined a Lakers team that was stacked with talent just to try and coast to a championship.  Karma got him on that one.  Then as I grew up I started to hear all the stuff about how he has kids that he refuses to acknowledge.  And I just read the final nail in the coffin for the Mailman.  He has selected Willis Reed to present him at his Hall of Fame induction next month.  WHAT?  When you think Karl Malone, what pops into your head?  Exactly.  John Stockton.  Now I'm not saying Karl isn't good, but you could argue that Stockton had as much to do with Karl's success as Malone himself did.  So why not Stockton?  Or AT LEAST Jerry Sloan?  Willis and Malone never played together; Reed retired 10 years before Malone entered the NBA.  Karl's reasoning?  "He grew up 5 miles from me" and "I've always respected him."  So why not pick the guy who pumps gas in your neighborhood.  If I'm Stockton, I take this as a slap in the face.  You stay classy, Karl Malone.

I'm done.  Tune in soon for my NFL preview. 

Beisbol Has Been Berry Berry Good To Me.

First off... sorry it's been so long.  Had alot of shit going on.  I promise to be back more regularly.  I know you missed me.


For my triumphant return, I'd like to take a look at my preseason MLB predictions and see how I'm faring so far.  Read it real quick, brush up on what I said, and prepare to be amazed.  Basically, this will mostly serve as a way for me to prove I'm smarter than you, and most of the sportswriters you like to follow.  That way, you'll keep coming back here, and I'll have you right where I want you.



Let's break this down by division and compare my predictions with the actual current standings.  Then I'll throw a couple comments in there, give a revised decision if necessary, say who I think is the most important player in the division for the 2nd half, and grade myself based on how well my predictions match up.


AL EAST:

Sick:       Yanks, Red Sox, Rays, O's, BJs
Current:  Yanks, Rays, Red Sox, BJs, O's

My thoughts:  Mostly how I imagined it.  The Yanks are in 1st, as they should be.  I knew the Rays would be good (I said I thought they were a top 5 team in all of baseball), but I also said I didn't think they'd last in the top 2 of this division.  I still don't.  As of now, Boston is only 3 games behind them.  And as much as I despise the Sox, they have had the worst run of injuries I've ever seen.  Once they get healthy (if they do) the Rays are in trouble.  Especially since I see them making a move before the trade deadline.  And even moreso because Big Sloppy is somehow back from the dead.  As for the bottom of the division, I'll admit 2 things.  First, I gotta give the BlowJays some credit.  I expected them to really fall apart, and somehow they've actually been decent.  Vernon Wells almost earned a couple dollars of his enormously bad contract.  Second, the Orioles are wayyyy worse than I thought they'd be.  No clue what I was thinking.  One of the worst squads I've seen in my life.
Revision?  Not really.  The Yanks will still win this division.  The Sox will eventually take 2nd and the Wild Card.  Consider this:  the Rays have been perfect-gamed twice in a year (by Mark Buehrle last year and fucking Dallas Braden this year) AND were no-hit by Edwin Jackson earlier this season as well.  That doesn't seem to be a team ready to win it all to me.
Most important 2nd half player:  Joba.  The Yanks need to solidify their bullpen.  Their offense, starting pitching, and Mo have been just fine.  Gotta bridge that gap.
My grade:  A

AL CENTRAL:
Sick:       White Sox, Tigers, Twins, Indians, Royals
Current:  White Sox, Tigers, Twins, Royals, Indians
My thoughts:  Eerily similar, isn't it?  You can commence blowing me virally at any moment.  Seriously though... so far, the AL Central is making me look like Sicktradamus.  It's very, very close at the top right now, but I think the White Sox can hold it off.  The deciding factor will probably be if one (or more) of the top 3 make a move.  I think it'll be like a domino effect though; if one of them does some sort of roster shuffle, the other 2 will try to follow suit to keep up.  I also want to give myself a big pat on the back for specifically mentioning that I thought Alex Rios would have a great year.  His current numbers?  Batting .305, 15 HR, 49 RBI, 23 SB.  I'd say a .300/30HR/100RBI/40SB season isn't out of reach, and I'd also say I was right.
Revision?  No way.  I hit the nail on the head so far with this division.  Gotta stick with my gut.
Most important 2nd half player:  Mark Buehrle & Gavin Floyd.  Especially with Peavy going down.  The Sox need their starters to hold up in order to hold on to their lead.
My grade:  A++++

AL WEST:

Sick:       Rangers, Mariners, Angels, A's
Current:  Rangers, Angels, A's, Mariners
My thoughts:  Seriously, you can stop bowing to me.  Just finish reading and then worship.  This was a division that nearly everyone in the world was calling for the Mariners, and the few people who weren't were saying LA.  Well fuck you all.  I knew this Texas offense would be serious.  I even specifically predicted that the Rangers would make a major move for a pitcher... and they went and got Cliff Lee, the trade deadline's biggest catch.  I'll admit I drank the Mariners Kool-Aid a little bit, picking them to finish 2nd, but hey I'm still mostly human.  And I always foolishly underestimate Mike Scioscia.  However, him and the rest of the Angels brass underestimated my favorite ballplayer ever, Vlad the Impaler, and now he's helping their rivals beat them.  I said in my preview I'd take an aging Vlad 11 times out of 10 over Hideki Matsui, and I still stand by it.
Revision?  Not at the top.  I still think the Rangers win out, especially with the Lee addition strengthening their pitching staff.  But I expect the Mariners to stay on the bottom, so I was a little off there.
Most important 2nd half player:  It's too obvious to say Cliff Lee, so I'm gonna go with Josh Hamilton.  Seems to me that as he goes, so goes this offense.  If they score runs like they can when he's hot, they're tough to beat.
My grade:  A-


NL EAST:
Sick:       Phils, Marlins, Braves, Mets, Nats
Current:  Braves, Mets, Phils, Marlins, Nats
My thoughts:  No one saw this one coming.  While I will pat myself on the back for predicting the Braves would put a scare into the Phils, I also didn't think it would be a legitimate threat.  Congrats to Bobby Cox, even though I'm pretty sure he's an Avatar at this point and some young manager is controlling his body.  I thought the Marlins would be better, but aside from Josh Johnson (the best pitcher in baseball?), they're pretty much worthless.  Someone needs to smack Hanley Ramirez around a little bit and get him motivated.
Revision?  A little bit.  I still see the Phils pulling it together.  That offense is just too good.  I doubt it'll be by the at-least-7-game margin I had foreseen, however.  The Marlins disappoint me & definitely won't finish anywhere near the top 3 here.  If the Mets make a major pitching move (Dan Haren?), they'll battle with the Braves right down to the wire for 2nd.  I think the Wild Card probably comes from here.
Most important 2nd half player:  Gotta be Billy Wagner.  Now I didn't think he was entirely done... but I didn't think he had this much left in him.  20 saves, 5 wins, 56 K and 20 H in 37.1 IP, 1.21 ERA, and only 3 BS.  If he keeps that up, the Braves will, too.
My grade:  B-

NL CENTRAL:

Sick:       Cards, Brewcrew, Cubs, Reds, Stros, Pirates
Current:  Reds, Cards, Brewcrew, Cubs, Stros, Pirates
My thoughts:  Another one that very few people saw coming... maybe even moreso.  I said the Reds would be decent, but would underachieve.  So far they've overachieved like a motherfucker.  They're only one game up on St. Louis though, which to me means that they are one major injury or one serious Cardinals run away from blowing it.  I did say the Cubs would implode completely, and at 11 games under .500 with a continuing Zambrano situation, they certainly have.  The Brewers disappoint me and really aren't in the hunt here at all.  Yea, a great offense, but it's not doing them much good.
Revision?  Not so much.  I'll stick with the Cards winning eventually, but much props the Reds so far.  If they can keep it up they'll really make it hard for the Cards.  Personally I think they'll end up 6 or 7 games behind St. Louis.
Most important 2nd half player:  The whole Reds squad.  I just don't see it happening.  I hope they prove me wrong.
My grade:  C

NL WEST: 
Sick:        Rockies, Dodgers, Giants, DBacks, Padres
Current:  Padres, Dodgers, Rockies, Giants, DBacks
My thoughts:  Wow.  Seriously?  The Padres?  I say it's a fluke.  Don't know how the fuck they've managed to hang around like this.  But the Dodgers & Rockies are both only 2 games back, and the Giants are within 4.  I was way off on the Padres though... even if they don't end up at the top of this division, I said they'd battle for the worst record in baseball.  And you wonder why I saved this division for last.
Revision?  Partially, but not at the top.  I'm going to stick with the Rockies winning.  But I do foresee the Padres continuing to give them trouble.  This might be another division that'll come down to trades.  One of these teams COULD win the Wild Card... but I'll say it'll probably be an NL East team.
Most important 2nd half player:  Every Rockies pitcher that isn't Jimenez.  A couple of those guys gotta step up and help him shoulder the load.
My grade:  B-

Overall, I'll give myself an A-.  I nailed the AL, which is really all that matters because who truly gives a fuck about the NL.  And even the stuff I missed in the NL is because of some serious surprises.  The Reds, Braves, and Padres as division leaders?  If you can find me just ONE 2010 MLB preview that predicted that, I'll buy the guy a case of beer.  I'm still proud of myself for the Rangers/White Sox calls.  Don't think I deserve an A-?  Fuck you.  I'm the one doing the grading here.


My other predictions were mostly shit, but whatever.  Halladay could still win the NL Cy Young, but it'll probably be Ubaldo "Where the fuck did I come from" Jimenez or Josh Johnson.  Greinke is definitely not winning the AL one;  if i had to re-choose I'd say Lester, CC, or Cliff.  I'll still pick a non-Pooholes player to win NL MVP, and while I am not too confident of ARod winning in the AL that is very up-in-the-air right now.  And Cano will still win the AL batting title.  I have to be right on that eventually. Oh yea... and it's going to be hilarious when Ron Washington wins AL Manager of the Year the same year he admitted he was a blowhound.


I'm still standing by my Yanks/Rangers/Cards/Phils final 4, with the Yanks honoring the late great Mr. Steinbrenner and repeating at the expense of the Cardinals.  We'll see. 


See you at the ballgame.

World Cup Fever? America has the Vaccine

Like most American kids I instinctively respond to the sound of an ice cream truck and didn't grow up in a culture that was very friendly to Soccer. I played in the little kids league when it was basically 20 kids all crowded around the ball while each goalie (me) sat in the net picking their nose until the moment of sheer terror when a shot is fired and I hope it doesn't roll through my legs and make me look like an IDIOT!

Indoor soccer was another thing though. Most fun you can have in a gym with your pants on. Banking it off the walls, etc. Hitting parents "by accident" in the stands to the one side. If it wasn't for all the stoppage for those darn "High Kicks!" but I digress...

I don't know if Soccer will every really catch on in the US, but watching the US team in the World Cup was contagious before they got eliminated. My Patriotic side said, “Rah Rah America! Let’s win the whole damn thing!” Just like the Olympics, I don't care what sport it is, just beat everyone else even if it’s with a Triple Salchow (Lutz?). If they are communist then do it for democracy. If they are dictatorship, do it for Freedom. If they are France or the Middle east, just do it (Nike plug). People get together at bars and houses to cheer on our boys and crack on Ghana's lack of fashion sense with their uniforms...although their fans have carte blanche to dress like witch doctors. I think college basketball is the closest an analogy I can draw to World Cup soccer. There are qualifiers and then tournament style single elimination. People dress in their supporting colors and look extremely disappointed when their team loses, because they know they have to return to real life. On the World Stage of soccer we aren't Duke, UNC, Kentucky, Kansas. We aren’t even Butler who was a preseason top 15. We're more like Gonzaga. We have a good shot at making the Sweet 16, but no shot to win it all. I root for Gonzaga in the tourney because they are a bunch of undersized, not so athletic guys from Washington State that can't dunk, yet they find their way in every year. That’s just like the US. No real stars...Landon Donovan is good for an American but not World Class. He is Adam Morrison sans bad teenage moustache.

Then there's my pessimistic side. The side that says hockey has too many ties (shootouts not withstanding), but enough fights to get by. Whereas soccer is slower, and when they get hit they fall on the ground and stay down to try to draw a penalty. This kind of behavior is the antithesis of American Sport. We hate European "floppers" in the NBA, so I don't need to watch even lesser known guys (by American standards) do it every 4 years.

Soccer/Futbol/Footie will never be an epidemic in this country because it's not "our" sport. As a fairly young country (not even 250 years) we often use sport as cultural identification and pride. Baseball. Ours. Abner Doubleday. Sunday afternoons. Hot dogs. National Pastime. It may be slow at times on tv, but it is tied to our national identity. And Football. Cold, windy gridiron. Longball. Bone crushing hits. Tailgate parties. Betting and Fantasy are just the icing on the cake. Those are American sports.

Maybe the simple answer is we created the other sports so we would immediately be the best at them. Make new rules that suit your style. Instant home court advantage! Why work your way up the international ladder when you can just make a new ladder altogether?

After this year’s hype and advancement to the round of 16, the US might be gaining ground in the soccer world, but its not yet a major player. Whether we need an influx of international talent, a homegrown superstar, or just a monetary incentive it seems like soccer fever is more of the sniffles that a full blown epidemic.

Is Hockey Still Going On?

Live Hockey is one of the most thrilling sports events i've ever been to. Fast, Fights, and Drunkeness. Its freakin' May. Flowers are in bloom and girls are wearing skimpy clothing. Spring has sprung and they are moist and wanting. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Hockey. Its still going on! We aren't even to the finals yet! They should start the Hockey Season earlier in the year so i can watch it tuesday-Friday nights when there is nothing watch on ESPN besides the same old football speculation. How many ways can John Clayton (the ESPN analyst I would vote "most likely to have a wierd sexual fetish") report on the same reasons why the Lions will lose the weekend? People that love baseball rarely love Hockey. dunno why. Start it in October when the baseball playoffs are going on. Finish in Early April. Barry Melrose cut your hair. You're welcome America.

Why the Eagles Won't Make the Playoffs...

As an Eagles fan, I can't remember a recent offseason where I've been so uncertain about what to expect from the team. For the past decade or so, fans have been pretty spoiled - at a minimum, we've gotten competitive teams year in and year out, had a franchise QB, a vastly underrated and versatile RB, one of the best defensive leaders and players in the game, and one of the brightest defensive minds in football. Suddenly I've woken up, and it's 2010 - our franchise QB has been traded to a division rival, our versatile RB can't find a job anywhere (even as a backup!), our defensive captain is making pro bowls for the Broncos, and our blitz-happy coordinator passed away a year ago.... I can't help but sit back and look at all of this and wonder what the hell happened.... This upcoming season has me more anxious than a drunk girl alone with Ben Roethlisberger.

Pictured: Any drunk girl within a 30 mile radius of Roethlisberger

It's not that I think the Eagles will be bad - I think they'll be a decent team. But I don't think they'll be as good as many Philly faithful believe that they will be. Let's take a look at the following reasons as to why they won't make the playoffs....

1) McNabb is gone.

Now, I do believe that sending McNabb on his way was the right move. Kolb is ready to lead this team, and I think eventually, Kolb will be a good to very good QB in this league. He showed in limited playing time last year that he has the ability to be a successful QB at this level. However, he also made it pretty clear that he has a lot to learn too (his turnovers against the Saints ruined any chance of winning that game). Even so, he moved the ball easily and kept the Eagles competitive for 1/2 a game against the Super Bowl Champs, and he absolutely lit up a piss-poor KC defense. It's hard to fault him too much for his performances there. On top of that, Kevin Kolb is pretty goddamn badass. Seriously. The dude hunts wild boar using "a 12 inch bowie knife and a couple of dogs." I don't know what more I could ask for in a QB... .

"I am all that is man."

So if I'm so high on Kolb, why am I so low on the Eagles? Well, Kolb's going to be making his 3rd start this September. He's surrounded by a very, very young offense, and a line that could be a bit shaky to start the season. No Westbrook. No veteran WR to help him. No veteran QB to mentor him. I think Kolb is going to have a few games this year where he kills the Eagles, much like he does wild hogs....

They have no idea how fuckin dead they are

That's not to say it will be all his fault, but you don't go from a consistent, careful QB like McNabb to an unproven guy like Kolb without suffering a bit of a setback. That being said, I do think Kolb will be a very good QB in a couple of years. Elite? I wouldn't go that far, but good enough to win a lot of games and be productive - I picture him being similar to Schaub in Houston. Keeping all this in mind, if Kolb comes out and plays a couple of great games early next year, fully expect me to have a gigantic man-crush on him and to defend him fiercer than I defend Chase Utley's ability to pick up chicks.

2) Their depth on the offensive line. In short, I don't like it. You have Peters, Herremans, Cole, Stacey Andrews, and Winston Justice penciled in as starters across the line. If either of the tackles go down, the starting guards can slip out to play tackle, and Max "The Sloth" Jean-Gilles comes in at guard. If Nick Cole gets injured, I don't even know what the hell happens. Seriously. I think we just forfeit the season. Even without Cole getting injured, I don't particularly like him starting at center, but quite frankly, we don't have any other options. I know we added several undrafted rookie linemen, but even so, I had more confidence in the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi than I do in our linemen off the bench.... I mean seriously - an army of "elite" soldiers armed with advanced weaponry versus a group of these guys wielding sticks?!?

Ewoks - Adorable, yet deadly

3) A Suspect Secondary Sheldon Brown has been our toughest corner for awhile now, and the Eagles sent him packing this year for a limited return (in my opinion). Many people will point out that we have perennial pro bowler Asante Samuel starting at corner, but in my opinion, he's much better suited as a #2 corner because he's a high risk, high reward player, and then on top of that, he is next to useless against the run. Aside from Samuel, the Eagles have a host of guys who are borderline (at best) starters - Marlin Jackson (who may be kept out at CB rather than moving to safety), Ellis Hobbs is coming back from an injury that was a borderline career ender, Macho Harris should be moving back out to corner, Joselio Hansen is a decent nickelback, but you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who wants him to start for their team... Beyond that it's all rookies. Combine that with a rookie starting at safety (or even he may move out to corner!), and you have to wonder how this secondary is going to hold up against the powerhouse offense at Dallas, who just supplemented a strong offense with the best WR in the draft. True, the Eagles drafted some pass rushers to help mask their weak secondary, but even so, with rookie pass rushers (especially undersized ones) you never know what you're going to get.

4) Suspect Run Defense The Eagles have brought in a few undersized DE's through the draft, and they brought in Ernie Sims, a smallish LB who struggles against the run. And, depending upon who you ask, the rookie Allen also struggles against the run.... Fuckin great. Do you want to see Brandon Jacobs running against that defense twice a year? How about Tashard Choice, Felix Jones, and Marion Barber? Then there's the All-Madden 2006 RB trio of Clinton Portis, Larry Johnson, and Willie Parker... speaking of Madden 2006, who was on that cover?

Oh, that's right...

5) A Tough Division

The Cowboys improved this offseason - their offense looks deadly (assuming their line gels okay), and as blatantly evident in the final two games vs the Cowboys, the Eagles matchup awful against them. The Redskins also improved - they got themselves a bargain QB who excels with little surrounding talent, and quite frankly, they had the talent level of a .500ish team last year, and their major flaw (a coach who is a friggin retard) has been addressed.

Pictured: Jim Zorn (Citation Needed)

The Giants really aren't that much different than the team that won the Super Bowl a few years back. And this is a division that many people already considered the best in the league before this offseason.... It's not exactly an ideal situation.

6) A Tough Schedule They get the AFC South and NFC North in addition to a tough division. Ouch. The Colts, the underrated Titans and Texans, then the up and coming Packers, the strong Vikings, and the questionable Bears... It doesn't help that the end of the schedule is the toughest stretch - honestly I'd trade the Eagles schedule in for any one else's this year. On a brighter note, they do get to play the Lions once...

7) Leadership Issues The Eagles are a young team. Absurdly young. The only non-kicker on their team who will be 29 or older when the season starts is Jaqua Parker, who has an outside chance of being cut anyway. Their offense is led by a first year QB and features a lot of young WR's. Aside from Herremans, I don't think any of their offensive linemen have the experience or tenacity to be a leader. Defensively, I trust Stewart Bradley to be the leader, but he even only has 1 real year of playing time. There's no more Westbrook, McNabb, Dawkins, or even Trotter.

I think the Eagles are going to start the season off pretty strong - Look for them to be about 5-2 heading into the bye week. From there, the shit is going to hit the fan. They close out the season about 3-6 and finish right around .500.

I'm hoping this team gels midseason, hits stride, and doesn't look back, but I'm just not that optimistic... at least not yet. I think they finish 8-8 and miss the playoffs.

Matt Millen is a DUFUS (DUmb FUcking Stooge)

I watched all of Round 5 of the NFL Draft. Every pick. (Get a Life, its round 5) The Steelers had 4 picks in it and i was hungover! (Off wine coolers) With the exception of the ever pompous Eagles homer Ron Jaworski (this douche has a mailbox at his house that is in the shape of a golfball) i find the ESPN panel soothing when combined with ginger ale and a banana (a widely regarding hangover cure). Speaking of Jaws (writing of Jaws...thinking of watching JAWS), there was a moment around pick 150 or so where ESPN cut to Kirk Herbstreit and Matt Millen to chat about college football, now that Millen is on that show and not MNF. A comment was made that Jaws likes Fried Boloney (not Bologna) sandwiches and Millen replies that this is typical of "A Pollack from Buffalo" (or something like that...it definately included Pollack and Buffalo) He followed it with a deep gutteral laugh (like he just saw someone get hit in the nuts). About six to ten more picks were made and ESPN cuts to Matt Millen again, sitting alone this time. He then apologizes (in the tone of a young child whose just been scolded) for the comment saying he "didn't mean anything negative to toward Jaws (he can't go down with three barrels...not with three he can't!) or persons of Polish decent." As much as i wanted him to commit career suicide by backhandedly insulting all of Eastern Europe and the recently deceased Polish President i think I just felt sorry for the guy. He almost single handedly ran the Lions into the ground despite a bunch of consecutive top 10 picks (lets get another WR). He was on MNF and now is kicked down to College Football Live (he likes wearing funny hats with Lee Corso). What does this guy have that people keep hiring him or just keeping him around? A great agent? Blackmail on everyone at the Lions and ESPN? (Naked pictures of Erin Andrews) Millen is a Dufus and if it wasnt for Joe Buck, Tim McCarver and Joe Theisman, he would be my least favorite sports tv personality (excluding women and Pollacks).

Random thoughts on a big sports night

Didn't have the motivation to do a full post on any of these topics (NFL draft, NBA/NHL playoffs, etc.), so I decided to just throw together a list of the things that popped into my head last night as I watched a very busy night in sports unfold.

1.  Erin Andrews is a Goddess.  I know, it's been said.  But I think as men we need to band together to free that dude who got in trouble for snapping the nude pics/video for her.  Didn't he do us a service?  Didn't he do what EVERY SINGLE one of us would've done?  He's not a creep to me, he's a hero.

                                                      Practice, baby, practice

2.  I feel bad for the Pirates.  20-0?  Seriously?  That's like high-school-basketball-controversy bad.  I'm usually of the opinion that if you're making millions you had better suck it up and play your sport no matter what.  But I doubt I'd be able to muster up any enthusiasm during an ass-kicking like that.  Rough few weeks for Pittsburgh sports fans in general.  Hey, there's always the Penguins!
3.  That A-Rod/Dallas Braden shit is hilarious.  I love how A-Rod took sly shots at him in his response, mentioning Braden's "handful" of wins.  I also love that Braden didn't back down in his response.  He complimented the Yanks and simultaneously insulted A-Rod and said there would be "repercussions".   Personally, I'm not fuckin with a dude named Dallas Braden.  Sounds like a Chuck Norris character.
4.  Lebron James is not a human.  At the very least, he's not the same breed as us.  Proof of evolution maybe.

5.  Everyone I know who likes the NBA hates Joakim Noah... except for me.  Love the guy.  Yeah, he's ugly.  But homeboy's got skills.  Seems like he could've been an 80's Pistons Bad Boy to me.  Just fights for everything.
6.  Speaking of the Bulls, Derrick Rose is the future of the point guard position in the NBA.  Sorry, Deron Williams.  If Chris Paul doesn't come back with a vengeance from his injury next year, it's all yours D-Rose.  The kid's the truth.
7.  A few years ago, just about everyone I know (with the exception of Dave Wetzel) was under the mass delusion that Greg Oden was the surefire #1 pick over Kevin Durant.  Well, motherfuckers, I hate to say I told you so... wait, what the fuck am I saying?  I LOVE saying I told you so.  And I did.  Oden could be a top 5 center right now and I'm still right.
8.  Quick hockey thought:  I love the Devils, but they are mentally Jello (sorry, Chump Deez).  They just didnt look at all like they wanted to be there during the series.  That game last night was so sad.  Their intensity wasn't anywhere near the level that the Flyers had.  I blame Lou Lamoriello.
9.  Mel Kiper is completely fucking obnoxious.

10.  The NFL is greedy.  I know, I know, everyone loves the NFL draft.  But primetime?  During the NBA & NHL playoffs?  Give me a break.
11.  Ndamukong Suh needs a nickname, stat.
12.  Sam Bradford just doesn't have the look to me.  Can't explain why.  I just feel like he won't be worth a shit.
13.  LOVE the Tim Tebow pick.  Denver doesn't need him to play now, so he can continue to develop.  And I trust Josh McDaniels.  As much as I dislike Tom Brady, dude's a winner.  Josh was there with him and saw what it takes.  If nothing else, it'll be fun to see the story unfold.
14.  I love CJ Spiller, but the other 2 RBs in the 1st round wound up in better situations in my opinion.  Ryan Matthews in San Diego is killer, and Jahvid Best (who is NASTY) winds up in Detroit.  The Lions have a serious young core of offense going right now (Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Best, Kevin Smith, Brandon Pettigrew if he can pull it together).  And they're working on that D.
15.  The Eagles are weird.  First they trade Donovan within division (side tangent:  shut the fuck up with all this "they only have to play him twice" bullshit... you're wrong. Each and every game he wins for the Redskins directly affects the Eagles.  So yes, you're only playing him twice, but he's impacting all 16 games).  Then, they trade UP in the first round to get a guy who, by most accounts, would've still been there later in the round.  As a Cowboys fan, I hope they're idiots.  But if this all pans out their management is going to shine.  We'll see.
16.  And finally... most importantly... Dez Bryant going to Dallas makes me so hard.  Fuck all these "character concerns".  He's never been in legal trouble.  Supposedly doesn't even drink.  He's just a freak athlete and fantastic receiver who happened to also get caught up in a sticky situation.  He's a kid, and got scared when the NCAA started questioning him.  Most of us probably would've lied too.  Worked out for the best, though, because now he's a Cowboy.  If Roy Williams can even be a SHADOW of his former self (which I doubt, the fucking prick), this Dallas offense is unreal.  Romo; Marion/Felix/Choice; Witten; Austin/Williams/Crayton/Bryant.  WOW.

That's it for now.  Possibly more random ramblings to come in the near future.

Playoff Hockey is here......

The best time of the year is here folks. “But Deeeeeeeez March Madness came and went.” Nahhhhh- I’m talking about playoff hockey. I don’t just mean it because I admittedly favor the sport, many will agree that playoff hockey is one of the most exciting times in sports. These smash-mouth games have the potential to last until literally the next day and have the physical intensity turned up to 11. The best of the best are all vying to get their names etched into Lord Stanley’s Cup. This is a time that generally consumes me and this year I am especially worried that West coast games are going to keep me up at night and affect my new job's performance.

1 girl 1 Stanley Cup? I'll j-o to that.

The burning question lies before us - who will get to drink from the Cup this year? Obviously there are some amazing teams in the hunt this year- of course there are, they wouldn’t have made the playoffs if they weren’t good. Case in point: the NY Rangers DIDN’T make the playoffs.

Let’s get right into it and keep it short and sweet.

Capitals out of the East. I feel like they do it this year. The Capitals scored 318 goals as a team this year, a full 85 more than their opponents. The 2nd highest team in the league had 272 goals. That is offense. Ovi can score from anywhere on or off the ice. Backstrom had 100+ points. Dudes can score. Goalie/D are not as strong as their O but they made it to the Eastern Conf Finals last year and are stronger this year.

Ovechkin scored a lot this year....

Gotta do it - how about our Devils? Brodeur is still the best in the league, the Devils let up the lowest number of goals again this year. More importantly all of NJ is going to be looking at Kovalchuk to see if he can manufacture inspirado. Not just because I'm a fan but they have a legit shot (being the 2 seed and all), let’s just hope they keep it together.
And so help me God, if anyone mentions to me what happened to the Devils last year in the playoffs I will fucking snap.

The West looks a little more close. Seven out of 8 teams have 100+ points. Sharks are gonna blow it again, I’m not loving the Blackhawks lack of a consistent goalie. So I’m saying Canucks out of the West. They’re the 3 seed, with less points than the 4, but they have a solid team once again and are that #2 team in goals scored. Luongo is fantastic and is fresh off of a boner-of-an-Olympic victory and Sedin is hot with the most points in the league.

I'd Canuck her brains out.... I'm just keeping hot chicks involved to keep you interested in hockey.

Final- Captials Stanley Cup Champs over Canucks in 6 games, and as much as I'd like to see Ovi I'm saying Backstrom as Conn Symthe winner.

Playoff hockey is here and the shit’s real. Watch it and love it. I know baseball started, but there are 150+ freakin games left. Do yourself a favor and watch playoff hockey for the next month. Games start tomorrow, Wednesday April 14. I'll be at the Devils home playoff opener- rocking my red and cheering on my team. Do your duty from your couch and cheer on yours ...and if you don't have a team- get one.
Check out the TV schedule to see when Round 1 games are and where you can watch

I don't have a relevant witty comment for this- it's just too freakin funny.

PS- Pledge your support with your hockey beard

Field O' Dreams - Paid in $$$

The calendar turned to April, and here comes baseball. I've been looking forward to this for quite some time. I've already been blessed with a college basketball national championship, so now I'm a believer in a NYY repeat championship to continue the good times.

Born into a NYY state of mind family, I've seen the team change over the years. One has to admit though: winning last year felt kind of dirty. Benjamin(s)-like dirty. The championship rings are the receipt. Baseball has a spending problem; the team I root for happens to have the deepest wallet. I'm not complaining, I just find it odd that there are only a few teams that are ever in contention anymore. The Yankees just added Granderson, Johnson and Vasquez to the mercenaries. I say welcome and stay awhile. Pickup your rings at the end of the year. Other teams are getting into the act, drawing the top talent via trade or free agency. Halladay to the Phils? Pretend you're surprised. How about Holliday resigning with the Cards? A) It made sense and B) Winning games brings in revenue.

Not only that though, but you have to love the lower teams crying about it. The Brew Crew complaining they can't afford Fielder? Deal with it. Has anyone seen Billy Beane's A's starting lineup on opening day? One too many fire sales occurred. The biggest laugh I get: every time I see Carl Crawford, all I see are $$$ and pinstripes and the call "Now batting 2nd, LF for the Yankees..." You get the point. (There's your reason why we didn't sign Damon, didn't give a shit about Bay and are willing to fill the position with Gardner and Wynn until next year.)

Prediction Time: AL EAST - Yankees (you get what you pay for) AL CENTRAL - Twins (if M&M don't stay healthly, then this is way wrong) AL WEST - Angels WILD CARD - AL EAST #2 (Red Sox slight edge over Rays) NL EAST - METS! hahaha kidding, Phillies NL CENTRAL - Cardinals (injections now offered in the clubhouse, courtesy of your hitting coach) NL WEST - Giants NL WILD CARD - Braves WORLD SERIES - Yankees-Phillies, Yankees in 7 AL MVP - ARod NL MVP - Pujols AL Batting Champ - Ichiro NL Batting Champ - Pujols AL CY Young - Sabathia NL CY Young - Halladay AL Rookie of the Year - ? NL Rookie of the Year - Heyward (might as well give it to him now) Next Big Contract in offseason - Crawford Next Big Thing - Justin Upton Take these predictions for what they are. Just don't take them to the bank.

DUKE - 2010 National Champions

I know, I know...most of you have already moved on to Baseball. Rightfully so. Before we all go diving into baseball, let's reflect on what just happened in the world of college basketball. In case you missed it, Duke prevailed over Butler 61-59. In what was a very close game throughout, Duke was able to come out the victor. While neither team couldn't hit a jump shot during the last 10 minutes of the game, the defenses of these two teams shined the brightest.

Being a lifelong Duke fan, I'm not going to rant and rave about how good my team is an how shitty yours may be. I'm not going to shove this down your throat until you choke and climb the rooftop and tell you how much you suck. I'm also not going to answer questions about why we got an easier road through the bracket, or answer questions like "Which refs are on the payroll?" or "Who did Coach K pay to get the easy road?". Nah, none of that, just love. Butler had an awesome season, and they are one half court shot from me losing part of my soul. But my soul is good, and so was this season.

I'll move onto baseball in a day or two, but not before I memorialize the college basketball season.

P.S. - Big props to sick for his post on Coach K. Class act from a UNC fan.

At the old ballgame

Well it's that time of year again, folks... baseball season.  The time when lucky bartenders like myself get paid to watch games.  The time when many businesses lose valuable man-hours to people who are out "sick" to see ballgames.  The time when everyone who isn't a fan of the rich teams in the Major Leagues can bitch and whine about how unfair the MLB is.  Oh, boo hoo, the Royals can never compete.  Waahhhh, the Pirates have no chance.  I've got a newsflash for you blowhards:  that's fucking life.  I'm sure each and every one of you reading this right now has some sort of monetary advantage over someone else in this world.  That's the way it works.  At least baseball has revenue sharing.  Since the luxury tax system started 7 years ago, the Yankees have paid teams nearly $175 million in revenue sharing (which is 92 percent of the total revenue sharing that has been distributed).  Do YOU share YOUR revenue with poorer people in shittier areas?  Thought so.  Piss off.

Time for some Sick Predictions!

AL EAST:

Final standings: 1. Yankees, 2. Red Sox, 3. Rays, 4. Orioles, 5. Blue Jays

Some thoughts:  Yes, I'm a Yankee fan.  But I see no reason they can't repeat as division champs.  Adding Javier Vazquez should prove to be a huge help in saving the arms of not only CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, & Andy Pettite, but of the bullpen as well.  I think Nick Johnson will work out great, and I love the Curtis Granderson pickup.  Barring major injuries, the Yanks prevail.  I'm intrigued by the Red Sox move towards a defense & pitching mentality.  If they were in the NL, or even another AL division, I'd say it's a great move.  But this is the AL BEast.  Good luck scoring enough runs.  I also feel bad for the Rays.  I personally believe they are the 3rd best team in the AL, and maybe a top 5 team in the whole MLB.  Sucks to be in this division, though.  This young & powerful squad is a couple of major Yankee or Red Sox injuries away from sneaking into the playoffs.  As for the Orioles & Blue Jays... I have nothing productive to say.

AL CENTRAL:

Final standings: 1. White Sox, 2. Tigers, 3. Twins, 4. Indians, 5. Royals

Some thoughts:  Alot of people are picking this division alot of different ways.  I say the White Sox pitching puts them over the top.  If Peavy can be even 85% of what he used to be, they'll make it happen.  I see a major renaissance for Alex Rios on the horizon, too.  I think this is a team that's going to end up making a major move at the trade deadline.  Maybe Adam Dunn?  We'll see.  I like the Tigers' talent at the top (a now-sober Miguel Cabrera, Justin Verlander, etc.)  But I think Granderson really made them click.  They'll compete down to the wire, though.  The Twins are who most are picking to win the division, but I see a major move backwards for them.  Without Joe Nathan, they lose alot of the close games they normally would have won.  And I just have no trust for a team not named the Yankees in the first year of their new stadium.  Home field advantage is now gone.  Also, what if they need to spend to fill a hole?  Is Joe Mauer going to personally pay another player's salary?  The Indians still have lots of work to do, but I say Grady Sizemore comes back in a big way this year.  He's going to be a top 5 MVP candidate if this team can find a way to compete.  And the Royals... at least you have Zack Greinke! 

AL WEST:

Final standings: 1. Rangers, 2. Mariners, 3. Angels, 4. Athletics

Some thoughts:  This is the most up-in-the-air division to me.  The perennially dominant Angels have ALOT of holes to fill, both in the rotation and in the offense.  Hideki Matsui & Bobby Abreu are getting old.  I know Vladimir Guerrero was on the downswing, but I'll take him over Hideki 11 times out of 10.  Losing Jon Lackey was enormous, too.  I think they have a down year, leaving room for another team to take over.  Conventional wisdom is saying the Mariners... but I'm not so sure.  We don't know how healthy Cliff Lee will be.  Even if he's 100%, he & Felix Hernandez can't exactly pitch every day.  Plus, the 2 catchers on their current roster have a combined 106 games caught across 4 seasons in the Majors.  Add to that the miniscule amount of runs they scored last year (and the losses of some of last years main run producers), and I just don't see it; they're a year away in my eyes.  I think the Rangers sneak in.  They're going to score a fuck-load of runs, especially if Josh Hamilton stays healthy.  They have a decent defense (Elvis Andrus looks to be a stud).  If they can even get slightly above average pitching, I think they're a team to watch.  Also a candidate to make a mid-season move, probably for a pitcher.  Sorry, Athletics, you get nothing.

NL EAST:

Final standings: 1. Phillies, 2. Marlins, 3. Braves, 4. Mets, 5. Nationals

Some thoughts:  While Philly fans cry about losing Lee, I say Halladay is a MAJOR upgrade.  I see no reason he doesn't win 18-23 games and win a Cy Young.  With their monstrous AL-style offense (Placido Pulanco will help), they will again dominate the NL.  Regardless of if Brad Lidge is a disaster & Hole Camels can't figure it out.  The Marlins should be dangerous, and the Braves could be sneaky.  If Billy Wagner can perform for them, I think Bobby Cox could get this squad into 2nd in the division and maybe even put a little scare in the Phils.  The Mets are a fucking mess.  Johan Santana is not what he used to be, and beyond him their pitching is HORRID.  I think the Nationals have a good foundation going, but aren't quite ready to compete yet.  2-3 years maybe.  If the Phillies don't win this division by at least 7 games, I'll throw up in my mouth.

NL CENTRAL:

Final standings: 1. Cardinals, 2. Brewers, 3. Cubs, 4. Reds, 5. Astros, 6. Pirates

Some thoughts:  This 6 team division consists of 1 great team (the Cardinals), 1 good-but-nothing-special team (the BrewCrew), 1 continual embarrassment (the Cubbies), 2 teams that should be decent but never pan out that way (the Reds & the Astros), and ... oh yea, the Pirates.  The Cardinals should easily win this division.  A whole year of Holliday-Pujols is frightening, and their pitching is always stellar.  If the Brewers can put some sort of pitching together, they should at least be 2nd place.  Prince "I Swallowed my Dad Cecil" Fielder and Ryan "Albert Jew-jols" Braun should carry one of the NL's most potent offenses.  The Cubs will continue to disappoint, and the Reds & Astros will continue to underachieve.  I could see the Reds passing the Cubs, though... I have this weird feeling that the Cubs are going to finally totally implode this year.  As for Pittsburgh fans... at least you have the Penguins & Steelers.

NL WEST:

Final standings:  1. Rockies, 2. Dodgers, 3. Giants, 4. Diamondbacks, 5. Padres

Some thoughts:  This is another up-in-the-air division.  I like the Rockies, especially if their pitching can perform like it did last year.  They don't have many holes in their line-up.  The Dodgers should have the talent to compete, but there always seems to be one issue or another.  The lethal duo of Tim Lincecum & Matt Cain should shoulder most of the load for the Giants, but unless they add a significant bat at some point I really find it hard to believe they'll compete all the way through.  The Diamondbacks are probably the hardest team in all of the Majors for me to figure out.  I think if they pull it all together, they could win this division.  But they could also suck a huge Diamond-dick.  For now I'm leaning towards the latter, but I would not be surprised to see this team still hanging around in late August.  The Padres might win a few games, but when they finally trade Adrian Gonzalez, they'll tank it hard.  Something in me is telling me that San Diego will compete for the worst record in the whole league this year.

Playoffs Round 1:
Yankees over White Sox; Rangers over Red Sox
Phillies over Dodgers; Cardinals over Rockies
Round 2:
Yankees over Rangers; Cardinals over Phillies

And yes, I do think the Yankees will repeat.  I see no reason to think otherwise.  No, I don't always pick them.  But this year I certainly will.  Other random predictions:  Halladay wins the NL Cy Young, and Greinke finally wins the AL one (as long as he can win at least 17 games); someone other than Pujols wins the NL MVP just because of boredom with the same old thing, and A-Rod reclaims the AL MVP; Pujols will win the NL batting title again, and I think Robby Cano finally figures it out and wins the AL one (alright, maybe this prediction is a bit biased, but fuck you).

All I know is I look forward to the season.  I am now officially a partial Yankee season ticket holder.  Feels great.  Enjoy your beers & your Cracker Jacks, and see you at the stadium.  Go Yanks!

Dear Jimi

It has recently come to pass that a lot of Sports figures are getting in trouble. Some with the Law, some with infidelity (you know who you are). I figured I would offer my services for advice, guidance, and even a shoulder to cry on to the sports community. Amazingly I got plently of responses to what will inevitably be a weekly column...Dear Jimi. Names of the players have been omitted for legal reasons.

Dear Jimi,
I'm a 2 time SuperBowl winning QB who has no trouble attracting women despite a raggedy looking beard and "jowely" face. However I have a taste for college age women. I get older they stay the same age...you know how it works. How can I avoid getting in more trouble or even worse avoid not getting head from college chicks? I mean I did win TWO superbowls...
Sincerely,
Large and In Charge in the 'Burg

Dear Large,
This is surely a pressing issue but I assure you, you are not alone. Since the beginning of sports, men have used their success and Alpha Male prowess to bag women. Yet until the advent of Lawyers they never got in trouble! (ahh those were the days). Within your case there is another aspect as well, the advent of college. The ability to corral dozens of underage eligible women with loose morals into a party scenerio with alcohol had been the dream of men for centuries. Bravo! to those few who had the foresight to marry it with "education". Your specific affliction of wanting to return to those fruitful hunting grounds with even greater achievement than any current college male, although a shrewd move, is frowned upon in our society and punishable in many sports leagues (I believe curling still allows it). The specific name for your affliction is Ritson/Woolf Syndrome. It is name for its discoverer, Chris Woolf, and the test case Keith Ritson. Ritson would often return to college under the guise of his fraternity events and seduce women with money and knowledge of the "Real World." Very few college men can compete with that unless they can play Jack Johnson AND maybe some Dave Matthews on guitar. Fret not Large and In Charge! You have options...
1. Bang older chicks. I dont mean grannies or even milfs, but women of legal drinking age. I know its not veal, but its still steak.
2. Retire. If you were'nt a sports icon you wouldn't be catching too much flak for this. You've got 2 rings. Get a hobby. Maybe become a professor...
3. Dont Get Caught! Simple as it sounds it may involve changing venue's with an individual or several girls hand picked to willingly participate. Control the situation in short. Keep hope alive though! You are certainly living the dream. Trailblazers like yourself often catch heat for pioneering what we all wish we could do. Beware the Haters.
Sincerely,
Jimi

Jimi can be reached by any sports figure for advice at DearJimiNJ@gmail.com

New York Baseball... It's bigger than the MLB...

With Game 1 complete for all respective Major League Baseball teams, I find it a fitting time to discuss the only relevant part of baseball... New York Baseball... Sure, there are teams from all over the US and Canada, but let's face it, New York lives and dies by their sports team. You can make a case for Boston, but they only have one team so that automatically rules their pansy asses out.

The New York Mets look to be meaningful again, while the New York Yankees are looking to continue their recent dominance. [Personally, as a Mets fan, I am really only giving them two weeks before I decided to write them off or not for the year.]

The Mets season rests solely on the shoulders (arms?) of Oliver Perez, John Maine, and Mike Pelfrey. Despite injuries to their everyday regulars, they still have enough offense to compete with most teams in the NL. And, as we saw from yesterday, you know what you're going to get from Johan every 5th day. That is why the Mets need the three stooges to Man Up or get out. Not only do the Mets needs these three to perform, but Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel's future rely on it.

If they perform anywhere near 2009, well then lets just call off the season today because it was God Awful. Combined 2009 Statistics: 331.6 IP, 25 quality starts, 0 complete games, 20-22 record, 5.25 combined ERA, and 224 Ks.

Realistically, they will need performances like 2007 is they want to Get R' Done. Those numbers look vastly better (and this is while Pelfrey was a part time player): 440.7 IP, 36 quality starts, 1 CG, 33-28 (Ollie and Maine each had 15 W's), 4.3 combines ERA, and 400 Ks.

Lastly, with the addition of Jason Bay, a healthy Reyes, a rejuvenated Wright, and a bounce back year from Carlos Beltran, the Mets can potentially compete. However, there are A LOT of ifs. Then again, it's only April and you know as a Mets fan, You Gotta' Believe.

On the other end of the spectrum, the New York Yankees don't have to worry about many of the concerns that plague the Mets. They have 4 quality starters and a 5th starter who would be the #2 on the Mets. Led by CC Sabathia, I think the Yanks only real concern with starting pitching is to remain healthy and hungry (no pun intended CC). The Yanks need to hope that CC does not break down and continues to hurl 230+ innings a season.

Coming off a World Series win, I do believe that the Yankees offense is worse than it was last year. That being said, they were probably in and around the top 3 in every offensive category, so the drop off shouldn't really hurt them. However, purely speaking from an offensive perspective, losing Johnny Damon is a major loss. He single-handidly won several games for the Yanks. On top of that, he was Mr. Clutch for much of the season. Sure, you got Curtis Granderson and he may be able to pop out 25-30 HRs in the Stadium, but simply put, he cannot hit lefties. In addition, Damon provided reliability at the top of the order with Jeter. Now, you're relying on oft-injured Nick Johnson to hit in the #2 hole. I think that's a lot to ask for.

The offset to losing Damon is that A-Rod is completely healthy this year and should hit 40-45 HRs. Tex will also give you his usually 35 and 110. Derek Jeter, on the other hand, intrigues me. If any of you know me well, you know that while I believe Derek Jeter is a very good player, I simply don't think he's as amazing as people make him out to be. [Put him on the Royals over the last decade and ask me if you know who he is]. That being said, last year he played fantastic. Even I can admit that. BUT, can we expect those crazy statistics again? I believe he, too, benefitted from having Johnny Damon in the lineup. This year, I predict DJ will go back to his usual .310 BA, 15 HRs, 80 RBI, 100 Runs scored. Don't get me wrong, those are nice stats, but by no means is that amazing

In closing, I'll leave you with my most realistic opinion. Although is absolutely pains me to admit, the Yankees are the class of Major League Baseball. Their fans never have to worry about whether the team will go the extra mile to make something right. While I hate the Yankees for their fans' arrogance, I can't help but wish my team was run the same way. The circus that are the New York Mets will always have my heart. That will never EVER change. However, they truly need to show me something more than I've been seeing, if they ever want me to jump back on the bandwagon. I went from a 4 year straight 15 game ticket package holder, to not going to a single game this year. I am doing my part to let them know I am not happy. Predictions:

NL Cy Young: Tim Lincicum (putting him on the VERY short list of 3 straight).

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander (I believe he's finally healthy).

NL MVP: Albert Pujols (you can't stop greatness)

AL MVP: Alex Rodriguez (God I wish he wasn't a Yankee)

NL Batting Champion: Matt Kemp (if not Albert Pujols already)

AL Batting Champion: Joe Mauer (the truth)

NL Rookie of the Year: Jason Heyward ATL (that was tough)

AL Rookie of the Year: Matt Weiters BAL (think Mike Piazza, only not Italian)

World Series:

NY Yankees vs. LA Dodgers

Winner:

Dodgers - Torre gets his revenge and we see the future in Clayton Kershaw

Duece

Shuh-Sheff-Skee

So I'm the type of guy who is a SPORTS fan, through and through.  Of course, like all of you, I have my allegiances.  For example, I'm a die-hard Yankees fan; but I'm a baseball fan first.  I'm not gonna run around screaming "Red Sox suck!" at the top of my lungs.  Because they don't.  They're a fantastic organization.  Would I EVER root for them?  Hell to the no.  But I'm not an idiot.  I'm a baseball fan who happens to love the Yankees.
College basketball is no different.  I bleed Tar Heel blue, but in general I'm a basketball fan first.  It is my love for Chapel Hill, however, that makes this statement so hard for me to say:
Mike Krzyzewski is the BEST active college basketball coach.  Hands down.

(Hold on while I compose myself... and prepare myself for the inevitable barrage of texts I'm going to receive from all of the Duke and/or Carolina fan friends I have.)

Right now many of you are wondering, how could you go there, Sick?  First, let's take a look at some stats.
In 30+ seasons at Duke, he has: 3 National Championships; 11 Final Four appearances (second all-time behind legendary Coach John Wooden); 12 ACC regular season & 12 ACC tournament championships; a more than 25 win-per-season average; 75 NCAA tournament victories (the most all time); over 800 total victories (one of just 6 men to reach this mark, and he's 4th on that list); 26 NCAA tourney appearances in 27 years including an active 15-straight streak; and my favorite stat (THOUGH TRUST ME IT FUCKING PAINS ME)... his Duke team won more games (291) in the decade beginning in the year 2000 than any other team in any other decade in NCAA Basketball history INCLUDING Wooden's Bruins.  Those numbers are fucking staggering.
 

But stats don't tell the whole story.  When it comes to recruiting, Coach K is behind the 8ball.  Duke's academic standards make it much harder for him.  John Calipari can get the kids who cheat on their SATs and probably can't even spell B-A-S-K-E-T-B-A-L-L.  That shit won't fly at Duke.  I don't mean to stereotype, but for the most part good athletes are NOT good students.  Think of the jocks at your high school... were any of them on the honor roll?  Duke requires both of it's student-athletes.  Coach K can't go out and get the #1 athlete who barely graduated high school.  Sure, he still gets All-Americans. But he can't pick & choose as much as other coaches.  I look at it like this: other coaches pick system guys, Coach K has to get guys and put them into his system.  Either way, he's got a smaller (and generally less-talented) pool to choose from... and Duke is STILL a perennial powerhouse in what is (at the very least) a top 3 or 4 conference every single year.

Still not sold?  Just give it the eyeball test.  If you hadn't watched a single game of college basketball this year, and I showed you a team photo of all 65 tournament teams before the tourney began, would you think they'd be a serious National Champion contender?  Would you even pick them to win a game of anything other than chess?  Me either.

Not convinced yet?  Think back a few years.  USA basketball was an embarrassment in international play.  When a brain-trust of basketball aficionados decided we had to be #1 again, they convinced all the greats to play... Lebron, Kobe, D-Wade, etc.  And who'd they pick to coach?  Coach motherfucking K.
 
On yesterday's episode of Pardon the Interruption, Wilbon said that if he had to play 1 basketball game with his LIFE on the line, he'd want Coach K to coach him.  It pains me to admit it, but I agree.

So, Coach K, I salute you... just this once.
You're the best.
....Even though you look like a fucking rat.