AFC South Preview - The Colts Are At It Again

AFC SOUTH PREVIEW

The South has been one of the best divisions in the NFL for awhile now. Peyton Manning wakes up in the morning, and pisses a 10 win season, the Texans would be a perrenial playoff team in over half of the divisions in the league, the Titans have sneakily been one of the best regular season teams in the past decade, and the Jaguars... well.... they're there too. I don't think this division is quite as talented as they have been in the past few seasons, but a moderate schedule could sneak a wildcard team into the playoffs from this division. I don't see it happening, but it could.

Houston Texans

The Texans have had a rough draw - they joined the league and immediately were put into one of the toughest divisions in the NFL. Do you know what the Texans divisional record has been over the past 3 years? It's 4-14. They are 23-11 outside of their division over that span. For a team that is always hovering around .500, that's a kick in the dick.

Welcome to the NFL!

They brought in Matt Schaub to lead their offense, and if their runningbacks can stop fumbling for a few carries, this team's offense is going to be nearly unstoppable. I love Owen Daniels, and Andre Johnson perpetually destroys defenses hopes and dreams. Unfortunately, they have to put a defense on the field too. The Texan's defense is like Jessica Simpson as of late. Sure, she has great boobs, but beyond those boobs, there's just a lot of fat, and it really isn't pretty. The Texans' double D's are Mario Williams, Brian Cushing, and DeMeco Ryans. While Brendan Pollard, Eugene Wilson, and Amobi Okeye bring a great personality to the table, no one is going to like this chick until she trims some fat and gets her curves back in the right places.

Prediction:

I probably was a bit harsh on the defense up there - they're a mediocre group that hopefully will develop into a legit threat. The Texans luck out by playing the AFC West, who they should destroy, but unfortunately, they also play the NFC East, which is the one division that has been significantly better than the AFC South over the past decade. They suffer through another .500ish season, going 7-9.

Indianapolis Colts

Peyton Manning.

Prediction:

12-4

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars are trying to be a team like the Ravens or Steelers - have a ferocious D, and a great rushing attack, and the rest will just fall into place. The problem is that the Jaguars simply don't have a ferocious defense. It's very average-ish and relatively unimpressive. Can you name 4 starters from their D? I tried, and I got 3, one of whom I only know because he was added this year, and when I went to go see who the hell they had starting, I saw Reggie Nelson was just traded, so I'm down to 2. While I do think Aaron Kampman was a great pickup for them, they simply don't have enough pieces to be a legitimate threat on defense. Sure, they'll be a decent D, and that'd be good enough for a team like the Texans or the Colts, but offensively, they won't put up the points to keep pace with their opponents. Yes, MJD is a beast, and their receivers are the best they've had in years, but the most important player on their team is going to be David Gerrard, and he simply isn't good enough. If he were on the Jets, I'd have them as a Super Bowl lock, but on a team with a bad defense, your QB needs to be more than reliable and steady.

Prediction:

Rough year for the Jags. They go 6-10 and start looking for a new QB.

Tennessee Titans

Everyone seems to be pretty high on the Titans, and for good reason. Vince Young finally seems to have his head on straight, they have a decent D, a good line, and the most explosive player in the NFL. It seems like they're poised to take the next step, right? In my opinion, no, they're not. Yes, Chris Johnson is absurdly good. I get it. I really do, but remember that he was absurdly good last season too, and they were a .500 football team. And for the most part, their wins came against piss-poor competition. During the offseason, they let go of their very underrated DE Kyle Vandenbosch, and their defensive leader Keith Bullock. They replaced these guys with a couple of Eagles castoffs in Witherspoon and Babin, who hasn't started in this league since he played in Houston, which was 3 years ago. I can't help but look at this defense and wonder where the pass rush is going to come from? They were the 2nd worst passing defense in the league last year, and the 5th worst overall, and yet they still have the reputation of being a "solid" D. Unless Vince Young can move the ball efficiently and put points on the board, this team is going to struggle more than people realize.

Prediction:

They finish 6-10 and draft a pass rusher early next year.

AFC North - Rapists, Murderers, and Thugs in general

AFC North Preview

I'm already behind my quota, so I'm going to need to decrease the length of these, which in all honesty is something I should have done anyway. Much like my fiance says, if it takes longer than five minutes, I must be doing something wrong (she doesn't say that - sorry honey... also, she doesn't read this anyway, so I'm secretly not sorry at all).

The AFC North has recently been the hotspot for criminal activities. It all started with Ray Lewis straight up murdering someone nearly a decade ago. From there the disease spread to the Bengals, where it manifested in a variety of hosts, and now it seems to have even spread to the Steelers, who were once the "high character" franchise of the NFL, looking down upon the others in their division like a hybrid driving, pea-coat-wearing hipster when he sees me climbing out of my giant SUV wearing a cutoff t-shirt and zubaz.

America - Fuck Yeah!

Baltimore Ravens:

I like the Ravens this year.... a lot. I think they're going to be dominant. So dominant that they're my pick to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl this year. Flacco (a fellow Udel Alumni-represent!) has all the tools he needs to succeed in this league, and the Ravens have finally thrown him a bone by adding Boldin, a WR that I believe is one of the most underrated in the league. With the offense becoming a legitimate threat, even if the defense regresses, and Ed Reed misses significant time, this team is going to be incredibly dangerous. The only thing that worries me is the depth at a few positions (mostly in the secondary) but honestly, they could throw Danny Tanner at corner and not experience a huge drop off.

Jason Sehorn 2.0

Prediction:

It's never easy playing in a competitive division, and the AFC East has some tough teams as well. Every single game on their schedule is certainly "winnable" and I think they win most of them. They go 12-4 and earn a first round bye on their way to another Super Bowl appearance.

Cincinnati Bengals

It may surprise some of you to hear that the Bengals are on a make or break year with Carson Palmer - they have a talented defense, a resurging RB, a duo of talented WR's, and a decent line. There is simply no excuse left for Palmer to not put up numbers and make this a winning football team. If he struggles, I think the Bengals draft an heir-apparent early next year. However, I don't think that will be a problem. Adding TO was a great move - as an Eagles fan, I hate TO with a passion, but I think people would be remiss to assume that he is done as a football player. Honestly, how many WR's would have thrived in Buffalo last year? Maybe 3 or 4 in the entire league? TO may not be a top 5 WR any more, but he's certainly still talented enough to be a productive WR, especially when lined up across from Ocho Cinco. Assuming Cedric Benson can be productive, the Bengals will be a danger on the field rather than off.

Prediction:

As talented as the Bengals are, they have a rough schedule, and they aren't quite as good as the Ravens. I think they'll finish above .500, but not by much. They go 9-7 this year.

Cleveland Browns

The Browns are pretty awful. Their plan to fix their issues is to bring in a QB who had the worst post season game in NFL history a couple years back, and followed that up by throwing 18 Int's compared to 8 TD's last season. That's like fixing your broken leg by getting hit by a bus.

Relax. I'm a doctor.

Many people like to point out that they won their last four games last year, but I like to point out that they finished last and second to last in offensive and defensive yards last year. The good news is that they can run the ball, have some talent along the offensive line, and as bad as Delhomme was last year, he can't be much worse than anything they had before.

Prediction:

They go 3-13 this year. Better luck next year.

Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers are one of those teams that are really impossible to predict this year. Their defense is still going to be completely nasty this year, but can you honestly tell me that Dennis Dixon is going to lead them to a respectable record in those first 4 games? Even if they manage to go 2-2 over the opening (they won't), they're in a tough division, and you'd have to assume Roethlisberger is coming back a bit rusty. I suppose in the long run, this may be good for Pittsburg - they'll get back to their smashmouth roots, and by the time Roethlisberger is coming around, they'll be pushing for a playoff spot.

Prediction:

They will certainly be a dangerous team as they close out the year, but that 1-3 start will kill them. 7-9 finish, and they miss the playoffs.

Trimming the Fat- and early playoff preview

Does anyone who read this blog (basically all "contributers" listed to the right) give a shit what the Bills, Bucs, Browns (other shitty teams starting with a B) do this season? They will be lucky to have a rebound year where they finish 5-11. Just high enough to miss out on an elite draftpick that can rebuild their franchise. Have fun in Limbo, Dom Cobbs of the NFL. Nice dirtstache.

Hold still honey, you've got a little shmutz above your lip

-Leonardo DiCaprio's Mom

No! Is the resounding response I said to myself privately yet aloud as I was writing this column (it really is a column...pretty thin...made the background black becasue its slimming. We care about Big Market teams, elite players who finish strong, and Playoffs baby!

Here are the teams that are actually going to compete for playoff spots. I will give myself the flexibility of listing 8 playoff teams per conference, because hey, shit happens and i could be off by just a smidgen. NFC today, AFC when i feel like it, bitch.

NFC Unofficial Power Rankings

-sponsored by HGH

1. Saints- Yeah I remember when they sucked. They drafted Ricky Williams. Had a bunch of borderline mediocre at best qbs, Aarom Brooks, Billy Joe something or other. Ditka was fun. The Katrina hit and brought with it a flood (of talent). Too soon? The city is rebuilding and the Aints have a lot to play for in the near future. its tough to be on top, but with that offense and some playmakers on D they will win a bunch of games. Also, easy schedule this year.

2. Cowboys- No surprise. Money doesn't by championships but it buys good players, a nice stadium, and the best cheerleaders in the biz. (Although Miami does ok, too.) The Cowboys are firing on all cylinders. As long as they can keep their RBs healthy and their WRs show some maturity there is nothing stopping them from an NFC East title. Plenty of Cowboys fans probably read this blog, so take the #1 power ranking and rest on your laurels until January when Tony Romo starts dreaming of Grammy Award winning girls and Wade Phillips starts his dual new years resolution to lose weight and lose playoff games.

3. Packers- With Aaron Rodgers at the helm, the Pack no longer mourn the loss of he who shall not be named and his fickle preseason antics. Best Defensive player in the NFC, good lb and d line corp. Weapons at wideout and a solid rb. The went with a lineman first round of the draft. That says your stacked already with talent but you dont want your new franchise qb spending the afternoons getting better acquainted with the frozen tundra. If brett favre didnt return and will inevitably find a way to beat them once, I would have ranked them above the 'Boys.

4. Vikings- AP is a beast. Go ahead and put 8 in the box. This guy is fun to watch. We will see how he fares without Chester taylor to wear ppl down but I think he has more rushing yards than Chris Johnson, and more TDs than Michael Turner. Farve is there and will throw pics and TDs, keep defenses of balance, and ride his purple chariot off into the sunset after this season. The fact is NO ONE CAN RUN IN THIS DEFENSE. They force you to pass and Jared Allen in all his eccentric "cowboy with perrenially awkward but awesome facial hair" glory will eat you alive. Sidney Rice is out but they will still make a WildCard and can do damage as long as Brett and his painkillers hold up.

5. 49ers- The Bill Walsh days of a stud QB and fancy new wave Cal-Berkley West Coast Pot Smoking Prop 8 fancy pants West Coast offense? day are gone. Hello Mike Singletary and a Defense that wants to bend you over and wish you weren't suddenly a "power bottom". Talent on offense except for a QB. Defense wins Championships, and these guys will win an easy division and maybe even a playoff game.

6. Giants/Falcons/Panthers.

G-men always find ways to win some games they shouldnt. Its a Manning thing maybe. Coughlin is hard nosed (and red faced when its chilly) and gets every ounce outta those guys. The D is patched together with duck tape and chicken wire and misses the hell out of Strahan. However they should put it together enough to control their own destiny come playoff time if they dont drop too many within division.

Falcons- C'Mon man! (Cris Carter impression) Offensive Talent! Built to play efficient and chew up the clock. Marred by injuries last year they are due to rebound if they ever figure out you have to play defense also.

Panthers? Yeah Panthers. Great running Game. Solid D. QB that finds Steve Smith. They need to win the turnover battle and make a few special teams plays and they will sneak into that 6th spot based on a weak schedule. John Fox has always been an underrated coach to me, and if they can play defense (I know, WITHOUT Julius Peppers) like i think they can, they can squeeze in. Or go 6-10. Its a blog. Relax. I gotta make a bold prediction. Its what Bloggers DO!