Calling all out of shape Olympic wannabes!

If you're anything like me. 6'2...approx 300lbs...love bacon...you have probably been watching a lot of Olympic Curling in the last few days. This has instantly become my favorite Winter Olympic because it breaks the mold of EVERYTHING that is associated with an Olympian or Elite atheletics. It is neither high energy and flashy (like skiing, snowboarding) nor technically graceful (figure skating (there is also no decided advantage to be gay in curling as it is in figure skating). By my count it isn't dangerous either (ice luge:1 curling: 0). Worst case scenerio someone stubs their toe. So why is it my favorite sport? Why am I glued to the set trying to absorb every second of strategy and ounce of knowledge I can? Because I can do that. Yup. I could be an Olympian. Me! and maybe you too! Are you over weight? Pretty good as shuffleboard? Do you own a broom? Well my friend I am recruiting YOU! Imagine this. You're an average looking guy...making an average income. You're out with your friends...talking to a cute girl when this smooth, lean guy swoops in talking about his six figure salary and sports car trying to steal her away. She looks back to see what you have for a counter. BOOM! You pull out you Olympic gold Medal! Start the pussy parade!

Admittedly this is a ridiculous scenerio. Why would you carry around your gold medal? Why are you drinking somewhere that guys with 6 figure salaries hang out? you are broke! AND you don't have any game so that girl wouldnt give you the time of day! Either way I think I could be good at curling. i'm pretty good at that shuffle board game with the table sand. Especially if I'm blue pucks. Second, if I had people sweeping i could be even better! I researched the Bios for the US olympic curling team. There isn;t a "full time curler" in the bunch! Its a freaking hobby!!! There is a sub teacher, telecom employee, etc. Shit, if I had the money to commit full time to this I could be that good in 4, maybe 8 years. These guys on the US team are all 40+ anyway!!! I could wait 12 years and be right there! What other olympic sport are the atheletes at their prime ages after 40? See what I mean? You, I, We can DO this!!!! I have taken the liberty of linking the curling-nj website in Plainfield NJ. Yeah it really exists! All we need is some sponsorships and a few good men! I'm not saying it wouldn't and I could in no way gaurantee even making the olympic team. But hell...if there is any hope that there is parody in the sports world its that a highly trained athelete like Apollo Ono cant get a gold, but overweight guys in their 40's can be Olympians! Someone contact me at this blog...I want to start immediate production on the exclusive movie rights to a "Cool Runnings" style underdog curling movie starring myself and my friends as we try to make the Olympic curling team. Just call me Skip (an actual position in curling).

NBA Basketball---Please SAVE us...

As of right now everyone is feeling the effects that Football season is over, right? This in and of itself is extremely sad. In addition, meaningful baseball doesn't start until April, while March Madness doesn't begin until, well, Mid-March... This means we have a month or so of a gap in sports, correct? Sure, we have the Olympics to hold us over. I mean, who doesn't like Bode Miller being the biggest bust that no one's ever heard of, or having another avenue for hockey to become popular, but still no one cares. But despite the Olympics, some can even argue that Mid-April through June are light, as well, since baseball season is still too early to get crazily involved. Well sports fans, that's where the NBA comes in. Less than 10 years ago, there was no such thing as a gap in sports. It simply went football, then basketball, then baseball. However, and admitedly so, the NBA changed its image and in the process lost a LOT of fans. Combine that with the fact that New York City(at one time the Mecca of basketball) features two teams that are god awful, and you come up with this notion of a 'gap' in sports. Unfortunately in Sports, once a notion exists that an individual (Eli) or team (Clippers) or sport (hockey) is not good, it is extremely hard to shake that off. In my opinion, that is why the NBA seems to be struggling, as those fans who have left, simply aren't coming back. Well, to those fans who have left the NBA, I simply say "It's your loss". Up to about 4-5 years ago, you may have had an argument with why the NBA was not relevant. Unfortunately, that no longer holds any weight. Sure, the game has changed, but all sports have to re-define themselves. Look at our beloved NFL, it went from hardnose run and defense, to finesse and offensive passing. The NBA went from designed offensive sets and great defense, to athletism and the transition game (it got faster). That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, simply put, it is just different. The game has become more individualized, as well. Initially, I thought of this as a negative, but it's actually a positive when you consider the talent that exists today. Overall, and perhaps the most intriguing reason why the NBA is back and should be a force to be reckoned with is because of this high level of talent that exists. As of right now, there are arguably 2 of the top 3 basketball players ever, playing today. In addition, the talent gap between the West and the East has been closed in the last 4-5 years (once bball became relevant again), creating more parity. Sure there are still god awful teams, but every sport has those (Pirates, Browns, etc.). On any given night in the NBA, you can see an individual's performance carry his team to victory, or better yet, to a playoff birth. To me, this makes the game more exciting to watch because there are different stars to watch on a nightly basis. The whole other spectrum with the NBA are the playoffs. To me, the ONLY knock about the NBA playoff system is that it takes forever to complete. However, other than that, the quality of play within the games are fantastic, and it provides a chance for those great individual players to raise their level of play to unforseen heights. So, while the NBA is a long way from correcting its thug image, we need to stop writing off the sport just because of this. Rather than read up on the NFL rumor blogs or take up bowling during the aforementioned gap and lull periods within sports, turn on TNT and catch Lebron and Kobe cultivate an audience. Danny Dueces

Winter Olympics? Wake me up when its' over

A week+ out of my incorrect Superbowl prediction and I find myself bored out of mind with the sports that’s on the television. Minus my crazed obsession with college basketball (I’m sure Sick loved that Duke-UNC outcome on 2/10), there isn’t anything else on to draw my attention. So for the sports fans that don’t love college basketball like I do, I’m guessing their pretty much fucked. Where would a sports fan like me turn their attention?:

• NBA – Which would be the perfect solution, except they’re doing their All Star weekend, which isn’t much of anything anymore. You have the celebrity game, which is basically T.O. and former television stars from your mom’s favorite soap operas and lifetime movie specials. They make an attempt at exciting TV with the challenges (Skills, 3 Pt and Dunk contest). Problem is, I could give a shit who is in or who wins the 3 Pt contest, and isn’t it obvious that the love of Steve Nash and the midget from NY Robinson that they wouldn’t win their contest by default at this point? Not to take away from the ability because I can’t dunk for shit, but Robinson does a windmill that was perfected 20 years ago and Spike Lee and half the front row fall out of their seats because he’s 5’5. The only highlight of the weekend is the Rookie-Sophomore challenge that gets thrown on a Saturday night (without any sort of promotion) like the redheaded step child. And then the actual game, which is flawed because of fan voting and is an exhibition far less disappointing than what it could actually be. I mean honestly, if you voted, and you actually took the time to circle/dash/write in “Tracy McGrady” or “Allen Iverson” as an all-star, either you’re an asshole or you keep sending in your all star ballot from 2002.
• PBA Bowling – I’m ok with bowling, but watching it? Torture. I’ll have on ESPN in the background on a Sunday afternoon. The show will change from Sportscenter to PBA bowling, and every time it happens I think to myself “Who the fuck changed the channel?!”
• NFL – Shit, I already forgot it’s the whole reason why I’m bored.
• GOLF – There’s 2 feet of snow on the ground outside my apartment, and you mean to tell me somewhere people are playing golf?
• HOCKEY – I never got into it. I don’t have balance to skate, I’d never wear the gloves, don’t have the stamina to play it, 90% of the guys are foreign and/or missing teeth, etc etc.
• MLB – Pitchers and catchers haven’t reported yet, which is good news for the Mets because unofficially they are all still healthy and off the disabled list.
• NASCAR – Which at this point could either be renamed as “Jimmie Johnson and friends” or “Danica”, because idk what I’ll do if I see one more commercial/ad/billboard/post-it note talking about Danica Patrick and her introduction to Nascar. She’s only one driver, and from what we already know, she sucks at it. I’ve never seen someone so over-hyped for their sport over nothing since Kimbo Slice.

What are we left with? The Winter Olympics…I’m overjoyed. I mean, I don’t want to come off rash or un-American: It’s an honor to represent your country and to show you’re the best at your ability. But that being said, the Winter Olympics suck. Maybe I’m just not entertained by the list of sports that take place at the Olympics:

• Skiing events (Alpine, Nordic, Jumping, Freestyle): It’s cool to watch the speed events, but the Biathlon? “Let’s ski a large distance with a gun on our back and shoot at targets every x amount of yards”.
• Skating (Figure, Speed): Minus Apollo Anton “Yoko Loco" Ono, these events/athletes are useless.
• Hockey – See “NHL” above.
• Curling – Guys with brooms push a disk and try to get it to stop at the red dot. It’s like shuffle board on ice with brooms.
• Skeleton and Luge – My condolences for the guy’s family who lost their loved one his test run on the course. Flying on a piece of wood and skates that’s half the size of your body at 90+ mph and having to lean into turns is apparently not the safest thing in the world after all.

The one thing I did hear about the Olympics that got me excited is that apparently the Jamaican bobsled team is an actual frontrunner for a medal this year. Maybe TBS will show “Cool Runnings” starring John Candy sometime in the next two weeks if they win a medal. Then, maybe I won’t be so bored.

Top 10 Reasons to watch Olympic Hockey - Part 2

With the Olympics underway in Vancouver and being a few days closer to the start of Men's Ice Hockey, we should all be getting increasingly excited. To continue, here are reasons 6 - 10, we should all tune in starting Tuesday, February 16th to watch.
#6 - Teammates face off against each other
Firstly, yes- pun intended. But seriously, all 30 NHL teams are represented in the Olympics. Teams like USA and Canada have entire rosters of NHL players. Almost every game is going to have teammates playing against one another; forwards firing on their own goalies, defensemen checking their own forwards. For these two weeks, NHL sweaters don’t matter as pride in your country supersedes that.

#7 - Jagr back in the spotlight
After leaving the NHL spotlight to play in a Russian league, nobody has heard shit from Jagr. I’ve just assumed he played his games then spent his other days/nights off partying in Russian strip clubs for weeks at a time until the morning hours like that other hired killer in The Bourne Supremacy. Regardless, the world will be looking to see if Jagr still has what it takes as he suits up for the Czech team.

Rumor has it that varying opinions on that mullet may have been what split up Czechoslovakia.

#8 - Best thing on ice
If you don’t want to watch Olympic hockey then you are left with figure and speed skating. Really, Hockey is just those things combined, but with a set of testicles attached (figuratively and literally- I am talking about Men’s hockey here). If you’re going to skate fast and twirl around, why not make it after a puck or directly into someone? And really, if you WANT to watch figure skating, you might as well watch Women’s hockey, they’re essentially the same… Just kidding, but really if that’s the case, I’m not sure why you’re even here reading a SPORTS BLOG, you’re clearly confused.

#9 - Sunday February 21 - 7:45pm, USA vs Canada - Ultimate battle of North American Supremacy
The only 2 teams of the ’10 Olympics to be 100% NHL players and they square off in one of the last games before the medals. Jamie Lagenbrunner, of our own NJ Devils, captains the USA against, former NJ Devil, Scott Niedermayer who will lead his merry band of Canadians. Neither team had an impressive run in Torino but both are legitimate threats every year. And regardless of how important this game is to the medals, Americans are dicks enough that they always want to shove anything they can up Canadians' asses… because fuck ‘em its Canada right?

#10 - Relive the glory of 1980

I literally just watched Miracle to get psyched for these Olympics. Bad news is the USA have not won a gold medal since that year and have only won 1 medal since (silver in 2002). Good news is USA has another solid team that has a shot at doing something. Other bad news is there will never be a story like that of the 1980 Olympics again; so much was happening in the world to lead up to that. I mean, unless Osama Bin Laden has a hockey team that dominates the world for 30 years, then the USA steps up and puts them in their place too.

So there you have it. Ten solid reasons to watch Olympic hockey. First game is Tuesday, February 16th, 3:00pm EST with the USA taking on Switzerland. Should be a dirty start for the USA team.
Games are everyday from there on until Sunday the 21st at 3pm, 7:30pm and 11:55pm. First rounds of those games can be found here
Playoffs take place on the 23rd, 24th and 26th, with the medal games to be played on the 27th and 28th.
My predictions?
Gold -Russia
Silver - Canada
Bronze - Sweden
Regardless, its going to be great games. Be sure to watch and stay up to date.
Olympic Hockey Schedule and Results

Top 10 Reasons to watch Olympic Hockey - Part 1

In honor of the XXI Winter Olympic Games that open tonight in Vancouver, BC, Canada, I have compiled a list of the top 10 reasons you should all watch Olympic hockey*. I present reasons 1 - 5.
*Men's hockey, let's be serious here.
#1 - See the best athletes in the world compete
It's a generic reason but no bullshit I get goosebumps at the idea of being able to represent your country on the world's stage. Standing up and accepting a medal for your country has to be the satisfactional equivalent to a rim job (giving or receiving - your choice).
#2 - See hockey in a venue where people actually give a shit
I'm a staunch hockey fan, but let's be honest - hockey fans in the US are slightly embarrassing. Especially as a Devils fan, I unfortunately know all about this. There is unfortunately a long list of awful things the US gives more of a shit about than hockey. To watch Olympic hockey, you get to see the best of the best cheered on by fans who not only CARE about their teams but have traveled around the globe to cheer their nation on. That makes me wet.
#3 - Watch countries like Switzerland, Norway, Latvia and Belarus get FUCKED
Between these 4 teams there are only 10 NHL players to their credit COMBINED. That's out of like 90 men on their collective rosters. Ew. Yeah, yeah, I can hear it now "Oh meh gosh, they must be good if they qualified for the Olympics." And yes, I am aware that some phenomenal players play over in Europe and no, I'm not so ethnocentric to believe that you must play in the US to be good. But really? Do you see the tiny land-locked European nation of Belarus doing anything? Fuck it, how many of you have ever even heard of Belarus? I'm an elementary school teacher and I had to Google it just to see where the hell it was. I respect it and am happy for them to be there, but Rule of Thumb: If I don't know where your country is in the world, you're not a threat in Olympic hockey.

Belarus - I just saved you a google search. You're welcome.

#4 - Can Sweden defend the gold?
Henrik. Lundqvist. His performance in 2006 was nothing short of brilliant. Unfortunately for Team Swede, he's been a NY Ranger for the past 4 years and that has surely taken a toll on his manhood. Fortunately, they're bringing back a lot of the key players from that team in Torino to Vancouver. The Canucks are sending back the Sedin brothers; Detroit is also sending back their power lineup of Zetterberg, Holstrom, and Lidstrom. Most notable addition: Nicklas Backstrom from the Capitals. He is currently 3rd in the league in points and is having a year making a name for himself and is sure to be a nice addition to an already strong lineup.
#5 - The forwards on the Russian team
Ovechkin, Kovalchuk, Malkin, Afinogenov, Semin, Datsyuk, and even former-superstar Sergei Fedorov. Fuck me. Those are some of the absolute top names in offense in the NHL, 3 of them are in the top 10 in goals in the league. And they are all suiting up for Russia. Sure the other 5 are European league players, but this is the former USSR we’re talking here. They probably eat metal and shit glass before the games to get ready too. Watch this team for some explosives on offense this year.

"Who wants vodka?" "HEELLLL YEEEEEEEEAH!"

---

The Olympic opening ceremonies are tonight, the real games (eh hem... men's hockey) don't start until Tuesday the 16th.

Stay tuned for reasons 6 - 10 in coming days.

The Swim to Vancouver

PHELPS WATCH #1: Sooooo.... since when is swimming an event at the Winter Olympics? Last I checked, it isn't, wasn't and won't ever be. Just don't tell Subway that. It's been a year or so since we last saw Phelps, but it wasn't the heaping breath of air you seem him taking here that he was inhaling, it was a celebratory bong rip. My issue is not with Phelps, or the fact that a world famous athlete occasionally smokes some weed after winning a record 8 gold medals. It's with the advertising these days, and who the "Official Sponsors of the Olympics" are in this country. I recently had to sit through a McDonald's commercial that was, simply put, disturbing. It featured no actual Olympians and suggested that the McNugget is not only a healthy choice, but is the only choice of Olympic athletes. Here's another commercial that boggles my mind. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER3r2D06ork) Although I'm happy that an underpaid and incredibly talented Olympian made a few bucks for doing it, it is another prime example that the most sacred and longest running sporting event in history has been sullied by mega corporations. The Super Bowl is littered with overpriced time slots for larger-than-life corporate "ultra-commercials". Come on America, can we leave it at that? I do know one thing, I'll be glued to the opening ceremonies regardless of the commercials. Enjoy the ceremonies and feel free to hate on the commercials with friends/family. I know I will.

SuperBowl wrap-up

so must of us here @ the jersey score were wrong.  so was most of america.  whatever the fuck ever.  here's my favorite snapshot of the game, and my favorite commercial.

I'm in Miami, bitch

it's super bowl time... and for 2 weeks we've been hearing nothing but football analysis.  the saints will win because of this, the colts must do this, player x is the most important, blah fucking blah, ad nauseam.  personally, i think it's more important to break a game like this down BEYOND x's and o's.  for example... which guys have the hotter wives/girlfriends?  in a stressful situation like this, the type of pussy you go home to is of the utmost importance.  why, you ask?  because winners get laid.  and believe you me, if was going home to this...

i'd be playing my ass off (no pun intended).  seriously.  look at that fucking ass.  if i were reggie, i'd be killing myself to be MVP... just so i can go home, balance my trophy on that dinner-table-booty, and bust a double horizontal.  now lets compare this to a colts players' wife...



dallas clark's wife looks like the girl in the sorority who'd suck your dick just so you'd pay attention to her.  and you still wouldn't pay attention.



even the saints' COACH has a hotter wife.  now we all know why jim caldwell never smiles.  (*seriously, never.  i typed in "jim caldwell" in a google image search looking for a photo of him even sorta smiling.  and i didn't find one until the 7th page of results.  i'm not kidding) on the other hand, i would destroy sean payton's wife.  and just so she felt at home, i'd cum a little fleur-de-lis on her chest.

advantage: saints

next, let's look at the cities these teams come from.  indianapolis blows.  aside from the colts, what do they do there?  pumpkin seed spitting contests?  it's amazing the people there support the colts at all considering football games don't involve potato sack races or nascar.  new orleans, on the other hand, is(was) gorgeous.  if you like swimming.  ok, ok, i'm kidding kind of.  but 11 times out of 10 i'd rather be in new orleans looking at underage girls flashing their tits for beads.

advantage: saints

that's 2-0 saints.  does that mean you're going to pick the saints, rick?  absolutely the fuck not.  i was just pointing out that new orleans is alot cooler than indianapolis, and that i want to lick kim kardashian's cornhole.  i don't really think the saints have a chance.  that football bullshit DOES matter... peyton is incredible.

plus, the colts have a haitian on their team, and as we've all seen the last few weeks americans care alot more about the haitian earthquake than they ever did about hurricane katrina.  (call me a dick, but i'm right.  did you text a donation to new orleans?  i thought so.  insensitive bastards.)  final call?  colts 38, saints 31.  i think someone on the colts defense is going to go completely bucknutty (mathis? brackett?) and possibly win the mvp (though it'll be hard NOT to give it to peyton).


enjoy the game, motherfuckers.

Baby's First Blog Post

First off, let me make one thing clear: I hated Peyton Manning. Hated. When he first was making his way in the NFL, he whined. He blamed lineman for not keeping track of his 349 audibles at the line of scrimmage. He blatantly yelled at his receivers. Quite simply, he was a quarterback who used his pointer finger instead of his thumb. Back in 2005, the Steelers showed in the playoffs (in the now infamous "The Tackle" game) that if you want to beat Peyton Manning, you have to hit him. And they did...relentlessly. Get him on the ground, get him rattled, disrupt his rhythm = win. That game taught him how to beat the blitz. Ever notice how he plays the game now? He gets the ball out in negative 3 seconds, and now if he sees the potential for a sack, he dives on the ground to avoid a hit. Granted it was hilarious to watch him take off on a scramble and look like Warren chasing after people at the go-kart track for touching his ears, but he doesn't need to do that anymore. What he did to the Jets a few weeks ago was nothing short of incredible. They seemingly had his number through the majority of the first half. But Peyton figured them out. In the second half he was cerebral, and there was absolutely nothing the Jets could do to defend it. Before this year he had Marvin. And Edgerrin. And Reggie. And Tony. Now? He’s doing it with a black guy named Pierre and a coach who could be Carl Winslow’s stunt double. At the time of that playoff game in 2005, what I didn't know was that he was evolving into the greatest quarterback to ever play the game. There won’t even be a debate when it is all said and done. Tom Brady? Fuck Tom Brady. He is a system quarterback, plain and simple. Why do you think Matt Cassel is making it rain at the local Kansas City TGI Friday's every Saturday NIGHT, son?! But I digress. When you watch the game on Sunday, you will be watching the best QB in NFL history. And that’s something you can tell your grandkids in 20 or 30 years while they sit there in their Brett Favre Raiders jersey. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I am of the mindset that the Colts will win Super Bowl 44. In fact, here are 10 things that have a less chance of happening: 1. Rex Ryan eating a salad 2. Tiger Woods hosting a fund raiser with Eliot Spitzer for Women’s Rights 3. Keanu Reeves changing the tone of his voice in his next movie 4. Freddie Mitchell becoming a billionaire selling “FredEx” merchandise 5. Ke$ha realizing that Mick Jagger has never been remotely good looking 6. Jamarcus Russell beating a horse with blinders on in the first ever “Best Peripheral Vision” contest 7. Going a Thursday night without seeing “GREY’S!!!!!!!!!!!” in a female’s Facebook status 8. An Andy Reid sex tape 9. Ray Lewis not jumping on a pile 10 minutes after a play is over and getting up to dance as if he actually had something to do with it 10. Plaxico Burress wearing an NRA t-shirt For all you gamblers out there, my prediction is Colts 33, Saints 5. Mainly because I have the worst numbers in the history of Super Bowl pools. But hey, a guy’s gotta be optimistic.

Oh When the Aints Go Marching In!!

Alright, alright!!! Despite the name of the title, I do think Nawleans is a very good team. Drew Brees has proven time and again that he is a top 3 QB in this league (Eli being two, of course... haha). In addition, at RB you have lucky Pierre Thomas who somehow scores in big games, and Reggie Bush who is banging Kim Kardashian. Oh, Reggie's football skills... Well he's picked that up recently, as well. The biggest difference in Reginald (besides shooting his own Ray J video), is that he's learned to run OVER people. That's right... RUN OVER PEOPLE. Yes, he is small, and yes he is fast as sh*t, but now he's developed the ability to run through someone. This forces defenders to actually breakdown and tackle him, to which he does his best impression of the Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake (first I go left...). On top of that, you have a defense who creates turnovers. If you look at the numbers, the Saints defense yield a lot of yards, etc. However, their turnover ratio is ridiculous. They have proven to be virtually unstoppable when they have a + advantage in the turnover game. (BUT... we all know you can't rely on turnovers.. Especially against the Colts.) Sooo... If the Saints have such a dynamic offense and a defense that creates a bunch of turnovers, they should probably win, right? Quite honestly, I agree. They should. Only problem is... meet Peyton Manning. This isn't just any good qb in the NFL, it is Mr. NFL. Sure, the Saints have never been to the SB in their history. Sure, Katrina sucked and left people homeless. But we're talking about Peyton Manning. For all intents and purposes, he is the Messiah of the NFL. Favre had his run, but now he's like Jehova, has his own disciples but is desegregated as the Mecca himself. Only Peyton Manning can dissect your best defenses and still score touchdowns, all while having the ball for just 15 minutes in the game. Peyton has mastered the game within the game. I truly believe that for him, it's no longer about IF he can do it, rather which way will it get done. The Colts are a 5-11 team over the last 6-8 years without Peyton Manning. Moreover, Dungy/Caldwell/ their O-Coordinator are fired if he isn't their Point Guard. Did Caldwell step in terds when he took over as head coach, ABSOLUTELY. However, what has made him so successful is the fact that he didn't change anything. Why change anything when Peyton Manning in your qb? You go along for the ride and enjoy watching greatness on the field. When Peyton wins, he will solidfy himself as a Top 2 QB ever (I said Montanya). My Prediction is 34-24 Colts. That being said, for me, watching this game is more about the enjoyment I will have in 20 years, telling people that I got to witness the greatest QB play football throughout his whole career. I suggest you do the same. Take a step back and allow yourself to accept it. Danny Dueces.

...and then you wake up

I'm old enough by now to realize that dreams don't come true. For the little kids that still believe in fictious things, I suggest you move to the next post. But for others, let's venture down the list, shall we?. There are many things now (or that have always been) that just aren't real. They are (in no particular order): The Easter Bunny (but the basket of candy you're forced to look for for hours is real), Santa Claus and anything associated with the north pole (which is why those cookies you left out every year has now made your dad fat and a diabetic, congrats!) the Tooth Fairy (but now kids ages 5-12 think it's really the Rock Dwayne Johnson), your chances of getting laid by the girl next door or the "it" girl in high school (who both now have 4 kids and no job in their early 20s), Hulkamania (milk and vitamins now replaced by muscle milk and steroid cycles, brotha), pro wrestling in general, your salary increase in 2010, a President that looks out for your best interest (no, you can't), your chances of hitting the lottery, the Saints winning superbowl XLIV and Unicorns. It's hard to coming to the realization that some good things aren't real. For the Saints, they had a good year. Brees finally got the credit for carrying a team on his arm and not much else, the defense actually showed up for the first 13 weeks of the season and all was right with the world. But to think that the Saints have a shot at winning the Superbowl on Sunday is stretching, at best. Yes, they are only 1 of 2 teams that can win, so yea 50% chance.. But the other 50% is the Colts. There really isn't much to be said that hasn't been said already. No one has a job better than Jim Caldwell. I wish i got hired into a job where I didn't have to do much. They must have told him in the interview "so yea, the guy that left left the team in great shape, there really isn't much to do, here is Peyton Manning, he'll take care of things. Just smile, say a few words at the press conference, and drive away" The only things we know about Jim Caldwell is he coached elsewhere for a season or 2, is friends with Tony Dungy, has fascinations with chinese symbols and tries his best to not mess with much else. His only fault? Sitting the team against the Jets and a week after. This team could have easily been undefeated, but it's as if he didn't care. I'm not going to get technical about why the Colts will win on Sunday. I just know that dreams (like those of Saint fans wanting a Superbowl) in most cases go unfulfilled. You know the story about writing the letter, throwing it in a bottle in the ocean and having it discovered 30 years later? Your bottle never makes it to shore. See the trailer for that "Dear John" movie? The guy doesn't write 40 letters...there is email and cellphones now. And if he hasn't hit it by then, and he is gullable, he had to have stopped at letter 2. You know the dream where the hot girl is about to take off her shirt? The girl's chest is hairy and sagging, or its just bright light. For saints fans, you know the dream where Brees is running the final scoring drive, only a few seconds left down by 6? Brees drops back and is about to throw...and then you wake up. It never gets to this point...game is over by the 3rd quarter. 31-17 Colts. "Who dat at da door?" It's Peyton Manning, 2 time superbowl champ

Pressure? What do YOU know about PRESSURE!!!

Welcome fo the biggest game of your life (Insert player/coach's name here). EVERYONE involved here has everything to prove for their season, career, even their legacy. Ok, maybe I give a shit more about how funny the commercials are, but really people's LIVES are at stake (mmm...steak) Lets start with the Colts. Jim Caldwell: Has a juggernaut of a team 14-0 playing a Jets team in a state of flux. Decided to pack it in right after halftime and lose the next two including a loss to the hapless Bills in a blizzard. you've got the MVP who is basically an on the field offensive coordinator. It's going to be all your fault if they lose Jimmy-boy. Trying to fill Tony Dungy's shoes? He may be one of the best influences football has seen EVER! you want your own legacy? Gotta win this one. Otherwise you are that guy that can't close the deal, tells everyone how close your were, and goes home to jerk off. We all know this guy. His name is Brandon (last name withheld for courtesy). Peyton Manning: This guy used to fold more in the playoffs than that guy who plays "super tight poker" at a house game and no one knows who invited him. Someone probably works with him and he has a copy of SuperSystem in his Kindle. I WILL take his money and I WILL put pubic hair on his slice of pizza and tell them its shredded anchovies. Peyton won a ring against the "Rex Grossman" led bears. ( I dont know why I put quotes around Rex Grossman...he actually did lead them...) with a healthy Bob Sanders, Dwight Freeney being a BEAST and Marvin Harrison before he started shooting muthafuckas. This game could solidify Peyton into that Ultra elite category of guys with super stats and more than one ring. Not even Brett Favre has 2 rings and he's the Son of Jesus. If Peyton fails by heaving a few to Darren Sharper and company then his choke factor may be on the rise. Colts D: Is it possible to make an opposing offense tired? Because they won't be able to stop the Saints much. Weakened pass rush. No Bob Sanders. I couldn;t name another legitimate playmaker on that squad. Even if you can hold Colston, who doesnt even seem to be Brees's favorite target, good luck against the speedsters of Meacham and Henderson. Did someone say Reggie Bush? Yeah. Apparently Sean Payton found out how to use him and its working. The guy cuts in the open field better than a John Deere mower. and NOTHING runs like a Deere. Oh when the Saints...(oh when the Saints) Wow Pressure! The Colts are lucky their pressure is more individual. Lets try this one on for size. Your team is in its first ever Superbowl against the league MVP. No one on your current team has been an impact player on a former Superbowl team. People think that the Saints winning the Superbowl would be a serious step toward the resurgence in the area since Hurricane Katrina. :::cough cough PRESSURE!!!::: For this previously laughable franchise this is THE moment to make a wholescale change. This puts legitimacy into the former "Aints" (decent use of quotation marks" who were once synonymous with failure* *for more examples of failure see also Brandon trying to get laid. As for the individual Saints, no one has more pressure than Drew "Please will someone gnaw this thing off my face" Brees. Cast aside by the Chargers for Phillip Rivers he was throw into the pit of despair that is the Saints. Well the perverbial Pheonix has risen. If he wins this one he proves everyone wrong. Also...speaking of legacies...he gives legitimate credit to his name going into the HOF. His numbers are staggering over the past few seasons and with hardly a pro bowler in the bunch. he makes the right moves and doesnt make mistakes. But this is the Big Game. Its not him alone that can win or lose. Its easy for a guy in that position to try to do too much to win a game and hold the ball a little longer. Enter the Freeney Factor. Brees' "pressure" may lie equally in the hands of his own mind as the defensive pass rushers. So whats gonna happen? Are they all gonna crack and end up in a mental hospital? Is it called shutter island? Can Dicaprio play a Cover 2? Of Course not. But it should add for some great tense moments and drama especially in the final 4 minutes to see who milks the clock and who sucks the..what what was the word? Damn i just had it. It rhymes with clock...sucks the...the...COCK! Thats it...who Sucks the Cock. Who IS the cocksucker. Prediction: Peyton will throw all over a mediocre Saints D. He'll turn the ball over at least once and they will rush for under 85 yards. the Saints will score right with the Colts early in the game but fizzle out. Peyton leads a game winning drive with 1:46 to play that ends in a chip shot field goal that ices a victory. Score 27-24 colts.

Dear San Diego Chargers and Cooper Manning, Fuck you. Love, God

This Super Bowl should be a good game with many subplots - The most glaring of which is that Peyton Manning, the son of Archie Manning, is going up against his father's former team. As you may remember, Eli and Peyton both were the first overall picks in their drafts out of college, and each of these players also did something that their father never was able to accomplish - they each have won a Super Bowl. Although the Mannings are hogging the spotlight, I feel that something is being overlooked. What do nearly all the QB's even loosely involved in this game have in common? They all fucking hate the Chargers. Seriously.

"If you weren't a former Charger, I would kiss you right now." - Peyton Manning

Lets take a look at possibly the most obvious QB in the discussion - Drew Brees. Brees was drafted by the Chargers in the second round (32nd overall) in 2001. Brees was shown the door by the Chargers in 2006, after 2 consecutive years of great production. The reason? After a sub par 2003 season, the Chargers gave up on Brees and drafted Phillip Rivers, who sat on the bench to watch Brees suddenly become a good QB. While Rivers has played very well for the Chargers since taking over, Brees is the QB threatening NFL records and has his team 1 win from a Super Bowl. Of course, only time will tell if the Chargers made the right decision, but it's certainly something that deserves questioning right now.

While Brees directly played for the Chargers, the Manning boys have twice embarrassed them without even stepping foot on the field. Remember Eli Manning? He was drafted 1st overall, right? By the Giants, right? No, not at all - he was drafted by the San Diego Chargers, but he outright refused to play for them.... think about that. Manning, a QB who many felt was riding the coattails of his father and brother to a top draft pick, publicly says "Fuck you" to the Chargers, and they bend over and take it. The Chargers drafted him to dangle him as trade bait to the Giants - Eli Manning, a Super Bowl winner, was traded for Rivers, Merriman, and Nate Kaeding. Rivers has played really well, Merriman has turned down sex from Tila Tequila, and Nate Kaeding just kicked the Chargers right out of the playoffs.... fair trade? While I can't imagine anyone arguing that Rivers is clearly a superior QB, he still doesn't have that Super Bowl victory, which is what he was brought into San Diego to do.

Okay, so Brees was let go, and Eli was a punk-bitch who refused to play for the Chargers, but what has Peyton done to them? Well, Peyton really hasn't done much to them... but perhaps it's more about what Peyton DIDN'T do FOR them. Remember the 1998 draft? There was a lot of debate about who would go #1 overall - Peyton Manning or Ryan Leaf. The Colts had the first pick, and the Chargers had the second. The Colts selected Manning - a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame, and a 1 time Super Bowl winner who could very well win a second this weekend. The Chargers were stuck with Ryan Leaf.... good call Chargers.

Being fair, God doesn't love every member of the Manning family. Well, actually, judging by their mongoloid looks, it's quite possible that God doesn't love any of them.

Eli, Cooper*, and Peyton Manning

* - Citation Needed

Judging by the ways their lives turn out, I think it's fair to say that the eldest son of Archie is the least favored. Cooper Manning was an all state WR in high school - with a 6'4" frame, and conceivably a rocket laser arm and child molester mustache, he had a bright future ahead of him, hoping to follow in his father's footsteps and attend the University of Mississippi. That all suddenly changed when God kicked Cooper in the dick, leaving Cooper with a spinal disease that ended his football career. So your father was a beloved NFL QB, and your two brothers are Super Bowl winning QB's.... and you become an investor for an energy firm. Gee, I wonder who Dad's least favorite is?

WHO I LIKE THIS WEEKEND (BESIDES CHASE UTLEY AND JESSICA BIEL)

No, besides that....

To sum it up in two words - Peyton Manning. Look, the Saints are a good team, but do you really think that their defense is going to perform better against the Colts offense than the Colts defense will against the Saints offense? The Saint's defense is mediocre at best - ranking 20th in points and 25th in yards... and keep in mind that they also were 2nd in the league in turnovers forced - meaning they were a far cry from a good defense - they got the ball from the opponent a lot, but the opponent still put up plenty of yards and points on them. Kevin Kolb and the Eagles (without McNabb) put up over 400 yards on the Saints. The 3-13 Bucs and 1-15 Rams both each put up 400+ yards against the Saints. As did the Cowboys and Falcons. Peyton Manning just led his offense to over 400 yards against the number 1 ranked defense in the league - the Jets.

Peyton Manning reads blitzes exceptionally well, and he takes less sacks than any QB in the league - in fact, he takes the 3rd least amount of sacks per dropback in the history of the league. I'll be the first to admit that if you can get pressure on Manning, knock him around, and keep him off balance, then he can become skittish and get happy-feet in the pocket. However, I simply do not think that the Saints will be able to do that. The Colts line is too good, and Manning is too smart - I don't think the Saints have the depth and talent to both blitz and contain the Colt's receivers (the Saints have given up 250 or more passing yards in 6 or their last 7 games). On top of that, Manning hasn't lost a game that he's played from start to finish in over a year - he's 25-1 in his last 26 games. Of course, the two losses from this year are being left out because Manning didn't play the full thing.

The Saints of course are very talented offensively, and if their defense can keep Manning off balance early (I could picture him struggling early and getting no help from his rushing attack), they could sneak away with a win. Brees is obviously very talented, and I would give them the edge in the return game, which could be a huge factor in a close game. However, it's hard for me to ignore that their defense is about as useful as a degree in Women's Studies. It makes it even harder to ignore that when you consider that Peyton Manning is easily one of the best (if not outright the best) QB's in the league right now. Of course, this "useless" defense has just defeated Brett Favre and Kurt Warner, a shoo-in HOFer and a guy who will certainly merit a discussion for entry. Even so, I think this is the Colts'year. I'm sorry, but I think God just loves the Mannings (excluding Cooper) more than the Saints.... I mean... hell, even Eli did it.

Welcome.

welcome to your new favorite place on the internets for sports & bullshit... The Jersey Score. with many contributors representing various sports teams and points of view, your bloggers from all over the great state of New Jersey intend to teach you, make you laugh, and piss you off all at once. we are in our newborn phase, so bear with us as we figure out our direction and plan. for now, enjoy the insight! if you're from new jersey and you care to contribute, contact the blog editors.